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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (12/5/08) 7:03pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Friday Sketch War.

This week's Friday Sketch War had the theme "Learning Something New About History".  Here's my entry:


               Friday Sketch War
               Learning-Something-New-About-History Edition
               "Learning Something New About History"

               FADE IN:

               TITLE GRAPHIC reads "Learning Something New About History".

               BAROQUE MUSIC plays.

               A CLASSY NARRATOR with an aged, respectable British voice
               starts the show.

                                   CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         This week on "Learning Something
                         New About History" --

               TITLE GRAPHIC reads "Hannibal and the Battle of the Tremia".

                                   CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         -- Hannibal and the Battle of the
                         Tremia.  And now as always, Mr.
                         Joey Weitzman.

               MUSIC FADES OUT.

               JOEY talks with fierce enthusiasm about his subject.  His
               near-constant profanities are all clumsily bleeped out.  He
               speaks over stock photos.

               First:  a bust of Hannibal.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         Hannibal.  I mean, shit.  Just look
                         at him.  Hell yeah.

               Screencap of Chuck Norris.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         Fuck.  Guys are like, "Chuck Norris
                         is a badass mrmee mrmee woo" --

               Screencap of professional wrestling.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         -- or "check out real ultimate
                         fighting lalee bunny froo froo" --

               Busts of Scipio and Sempronius.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         -- and I'm like, "You little
                         pussies are like Scipio and
                         Sempronius."

               Battle diagram of the Trebia, showing the location of Roman
               forces, marked "Bitches".

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         The two Roman guys were, like,
                         flouncing a tea party by the Trebia
                         --

               Bust of Scipio.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         -- and Scipio was all --
                             (fey falsetto)
                         "Oh, there's no way that ass-
                         slaughtering general can find us
                         here!"

               Bust of Sempronius.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         -- and then Sempronius was like --

               Battle diagram, now with an arrow added -- Roman forces
               approaching the river.  The arrow is labelled "weak-ass shit
               attack", with black bars over the profanities.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                             (equally-fey falsetto)
                         "I'll just put down my doily and
                         launch a little attack."

               The battle diagram now shows another group of forces,
               labelled "FUCKIN' HANNIBAL FUCK YEAH", again with black bars.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         And then Hannibal was like --
                         "RAAAWR!  Ambush, motherfuckers!"

               Several arrows from Hannibal's forces to the Roman forces
               appear.  Joey punctuates each appearance with:

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         Unh!  Unh!  Unh!  And like, killed
                         them with pointy sticks --

               A label appears by the Roman forces:  "Blood and guts and
               killing and shit."  Again, a black bar.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         -- and then killed them harder with
                         motherfucking elephants!

               Shot of an elephant.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         I mean, fuck, man!

               Shots of various ordnance.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         Yeah, you got your AK, your fuckin'
                         F-16s, your tanks and shit, fuck
                         that.

               Shot of Babar.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         Somebody throws a motherfuckin'
                         elephant at your ass, you know you
                         are fucked.

               Shot of an elephant.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         They're all BOOM BOOM BOOM stomping
                         and trumpeting --

               Shot of the olliphaunts from Lord of the Rings.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         -- and all Lord of the Rings and
                         shit.  'cos that's how Hannibal
                         rolls.

               Map of the Roman empire.  An arrow goes from the battle of
               the Trebia to Lake Trasimene.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         And the last guys left ran like
                         fuckin' babies to Lake Trasimene,
                         and Hannibal killed the shit out of
                         them there.

               Shot of Rome.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         And Hannibal could have taken over
                         fucking Rome.  But he didn't even
                         bother. 'cos he's fucking awesome.

               Screencap of Colonel Hannibal Smith from The A-Team.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         Okay, the big question:  is
                         Hannibal cooler than Hannibal from
                         The A-Team?

               Two shots, side-by-side:  the A-Team screencap, the Hannibal
               bust.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         What the shit, people?  Compared to
                         the hero of the motherfucking
                         Carthaginians, A-Team Hannibal was
                         just a pussy with a van.  Fuck you,
                         A-Team Hannibal!

               Screencap of Faceman.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         And fuck you, Faceman!

               Screencap of B. A.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         Fu -- okay, you're cool.

               Screencap of Murdock.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         But fuck you -- other guy.

               Screencap of 300:

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         The other question:  what if it was
                         Hannibal versus the badasses from
                         300?

               Two shots, side-by-side:  the 300 screencap, the Hannibal
               bust.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         But that's a trick question, 'cos
                         Hannibal would be, like, "You
                         rule!" and shit, and the Spartans
                         would be all, "You!  Are! 
                         Awesome!"

               A crude Photoshop inserts the bust of Hannibal into the shot.

                                   JOEY (V.O.)
                         And then they'd join forces, and
                         that shit would rule.

               Back to the opening title card:  "Learning Something New
               About History".

               The same BAROQUE MUSIC plays.

                                   CLASSY NARRATOR (V.O.)
                         This has been "Learning Something
                         New About History" -- stay tuned
                         for next week, when we present: 
                         "Jean-Paul Sartre and the
                         Existentialists".

                                                              FADE OUT.

So, what we've learned this week:  Narwhals + HannibalGeorge Washington.

Now, it's time for me to read the other two "Oprah" entries from last week....

(Note: this is mirrored on the Sketchwar site.)

Tags: , ,
location: a tiny room with no distractions in Austin, TX · Mood: [mood icon] amused · Music: none
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Comments:

[User Picture]
From:judovitch
Date:Friday (12/5/08) 8:26pm
(Link)
Wow. I was literally rolling on the floor - the kids were asking me what was so funny and I couldn't answer them because I was gasping for breath. Then I told them I was reading something funny that a friend wrote about history. Of course that led to the question "Daddy, can you tell me what history means?" which I just don't feel up to tackling tonight. I assume you had some narwhal inspiration?
:D
-J
(Reply to this) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:hujhax
Date:Friday (12/5/08) 8:28pm
(Link)
Wow. I was literally rolling on the floor

*is flattered, bows* :)

I assume you had some narwhal inspiration?

Absolutely.  This was "narwhals + Hannibal".
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)
From:ext_68735
Date:Friday (12/5/08) 11:10pm

The only thing missing...

(Link)
...is the music playing in my head now. "America, Fuck Yeah". It just needs to be quickly updated to be "Hannibal, Fuck Yeah" and we're good to go.

Nicely played. I love the scenario and all the possibilities it presents.
(Reply to this) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:hujhax
Date:Sunday (12/7/08) 11:38am

Re: The only thing missing...

(Link)
~ thanks! ~
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:jefpeanutbutter
Date:Monday (12/8/08) 12:08pm
(Link)
Very funny sketch. Was Faceman Starbuck? Which one was Starbuck?
(Reply to this) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:hujhax
Date:Monday (12/8/08) 12:35pm
(Link)
Thanks!  And yes, it was Faceman.
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