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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Tuesday (2/3/09) 10:24pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Friday Sketch War.

This week's Friday Sketch War theme was "Advertising".  Here's my entry:


               Friday Sketch War
               Advertising Edition
               "The ServTech Focus Group"

               FADE IN: 



               INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY

               DAVE (30s, sharply dressed) and SAM (20s, nerdy) sit at a big
               table.

               Behind them sits an easel with a poster covered by a sheet. 
               Dave has a clipboard on the table in front of him.

               Around the rest of the table sit ENGINEERS with name tags,
               including PHIL, RONALD, and HARPER.

               A video camera next to the exit door records the proceedings.

               Dave addresses the engineers --

                                   DAVE
                         -- so I'll show you a new slogan
                         for Sam's company, and we'll talk
                         about how you customers feel about
                         it.

               The engineers murmur agreement.

                                   DAVE
                         Great!  So:  drumroll...

               He removes the sheet, revealing a slick "ServTech" poster
               that reads --

                                   DAVE
                         "Solid.  Secure.  Servers."

               Dave picks up his clipboard.

                                   DAVE
                         Now, my first question is --

                                   PHIL
                         Wait, Dave.

                                   DAVE
                         Yes, Phil.

                                   PHIL
                         So this is saying that we don't
                         know how to properly operate a
                         server?

                                   DAVE
                         I'm not sure I --

                                   PHIL
                         I see this, I think, "Oh, sysadmins
                         are too boneheaded to fix a system
                         on their own."

                                   HARPER
                         As if they're giving us the easy,
                         safe, kindergarten scissors.

                                   SAM
                         People, ServTech doesn't think --

                                   DAVE
                         Sam?  Great.  Keep those opinions
                         coming.  Obviously, nobody thinks
                         you're stupid.

                                   RONALD
                         Oh, so now you're coddling us?

                                   HARPER
                         Like children in a delicate garden.

                                   RONALD
                         Yeah!  That's what this 'secure'
                         crap is about.  You think we're all
                         just a bunch of neurotic whack
                         jobs?

                                   SAM
                         It means the *servers* are --

                                   DAVE
                         Sam.  Good, just let it all --

                                   SAM
                         They're jumping to conclusions that
                         are crazy!

                                   RONALD
                         "Crazy?!"

               General distress.

                                   RONALD
                         This ad is just ServTech's coded
                         little way of saying sysadmins are
                         crazy.

                                   HARPER
                         Like foxes afflicted with herpes.

                                   SAM
                         People --

                                   DAVE
                         Sam.

                                   SAM
                         Look, if you talked to any other
                         sysadmins, they'd tell you this is
                         unreasonable.

                                   RONALD
                         What's that supposed to mean?

                                   PHIL
                         Sam is telling us we don't have any
                         friends.

                                   RONALD
                         Oh, that's low.

                                   HARPER
                         The slogan really means, "Solid and
                         secure, unlike you pestilential
                         hordes who are fated to die alone,
                         friendless, and in some quantity of
                         your own vomit."

                                   SAM
                         What?

                                   PHIL
                         This is, without question, the most
                         offensive slogan I have ever! had
                         the misfortune to lay eyes upon.

                                   RONALD
                         I ain't putting up with this crap.

               Murmured assent.

               The engineers get up and leave.

               The last engineer slams the door behind him.

                                   DAVE
                         That slogan is a no-go.

                                   SAM
                         Yeah.  We can't offend our
                         customers like that.

                                   DAVE
                         We'll go with the previous slogan?

                                   SAM
                         Yeah.

               Dave removes the "Solid.  Secure.  Servers." poster to reveal
               the ServTech poster under it, which reads --

                                   DAVE
                         "ServTech:  because other servers
                         will go down on you, and suck
                         really hard."

               CANNED AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.

               Sam and Dave react to this noise.

                                   SAM
                         Where the hell did that laughter
                         come from?

                                   DAVE
                         I don't know --

               Dave draws a gun.

                                   DAVE
                         But I'm gonna find out.

               Sam produces an automatic and a wicked-looking knife.

                                   SAM
                         Let's go.

               Sam kicks open the door.

               They exit.

                                                       FADE TO BLACK.


(Owing to weird scheduling this week & next, this sketch won't show up on the sketchwar site 'til tomorrow.)

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Comments:

[User Picture]
From:racingpenguins
Date:Tuesday (2/3/09) 10:52pm
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"Like foxes afflicted with herpes."

Greatest line ever. :D
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[User Picture]
From:racingpenguins
Date:Tuesday (2/3/09) 10:56pm
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I was surprised by the non-sequiter ending, but I liked it a lot, actually. Then again, my taste in humor definitely lies in the absurd. But I don't think I've seen you write an ending like that before. Might I inquire about it?
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[User Picture]
From:hujhax
Date:Tuesday (2/3/09) 11:05pm
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I'm sure I'll blather on about the ending quite a bit when I write commentary on that round.  For now, I'll just say that I came up with the ending early on, and then I had to work really hard to keep the rest of the sketch from un-non-sequitur-ing it. :)
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