Months and months ago, I wrote this post about The Originals, a failed sitcom that's notable mainly because it was the first pilot for actors Jorge Garcia and John Krasinski.
Then I came up with a big list of TV shows that could star those two actors. People seemed especially enthusiastic about idea #3:
K & G are a performance-art duo hired on by the CIA to foment confusion and anarchy in hostile foreign countries. (Recurring guest role: Andy Richter as their CIA contact.)I was flattered by the praise, and I was intrigued by the premise myself, so I figured I would reify this a bit by writing a promo for the imaginary show.
Promo for "Raoul and Dave Confuse the World" FADE IN: TITLE CARD: "Raoul and Dave..." INT. BANK OFFICE - DAY RAOUL (30s) and DAVE (30s) sit in comfy chairs in a well appointed bank office. Raoul wears a bird suit that's been sprayed with blue paint. Dave wears all-black, standard theater-tech. Waiting. Raoul picks up a coaster off an end-table and tries spinning it on his finger. Dave nabs it from him and puts it back where it was. TITLE CARD: "RAOUL AND DAVE... NEED A LOAN" INT. BANK OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Now the banker, MR. TOBOLOWSKY (50s) eyes Raoul and Dave warily. MR. TOBOLOWSKY Um... RAOUL This? We just did a show. MR. TOBOLOWSKY How'd it go? TITLE CARD: "RAOUL AND DAVE... ARE PERFORMANCE ARTISTS" INT. THEATER - DAY - FLASHBACK Raoul, still dressed as a bird (but without the paint) strides across the stage of a small black-box theater. Fancy lighting. Ominous music. An odd little machine sits off to one side. Raoul holds a scepter with a chrome ball on the end. A sparse, bored AUDIENCE watches. RAOUL -- and the bird of reason shall come down from the heavens! INT. TECH BOOTH - CONTINUOUS Dave, again in all-black, sits at a deck of consoles in a booth behind/above the audience. He turns a knob. INT. THEATER - CONTINUOUS As before. RAOUL And bring you the eggs of -- He plants the scepter in front of him. Right on cue, lasers light up, bounce off the chrome ball, and crisscross the room. The audience oohs and aahs. RAOUL INSANITY! And then you will -- ZOT! Electrical sparks shoot out of the back of the odd little machine. Raoul peers closely at the machine -- -- and blue paint shoots out of the front, catching Raoul full in the face. RAOUL -- gah! Paint! Paint! INT. TECH BOOTH - CONTINUOUS Dave panics, turning knobs, pressing buttons. More sparks on stage. The stage goes dark. RAOUL Um... can we have a do-over? INT. BANK OFFICE - DAY - PRESENT Right where we left off. DAVE Not bad. MR. TOBOLOWSKY What is it, exactly, that you do? RAOUL We blow people's minds. MR. TOBOLOWSKY People pay you for that? TITLE CARD: "RAOUL AND DAVE... HAVE A VISITOR" INT. THEATER LOBBY - NIGHT COLONEL RICHTER (30s) strides through the lobby of a ratty, black-box theater to -- THE BOX OFFICE He pulls out a stack of crisp bills, points to a cheap Xeroxed handbill ("Raoul and Dave present: Equipage of the Mind"), and pushes the money towards the BOX-OFFICE EMPLOYEE (18, tats, piercings). COLONEL RICHTER One for "Equipage of the Mind". BOX-OFFICE EMPLOYEE You sure you're in the right place, sir? COLONEL RICHTER I hope so, kid. INT. THEATER - NIGHT Colonel Richter sits in the (sparse, bored) audience watching another Raoul and Dave show. Colonel Richter is the only one there wearing a suit. He's also the only one paying rapt attention to the show. ON THE STAGE A series of cardboard 'wave' cutouts oscillate back and forth, simulating the ocean. Raoul peers out over them. RAOUL The mind is an ocean in turmoil. BACKSTAGE Dave turns a handcrank attached to a little device that moves all the cardboard. (Think Michel Gondry.) RAOUL (O.S.) Wake up, sheeple! Dave pulls out a remote and gets ready to press a button. ON STAGE Raoul continues the scene. RAOUL Embrace the storms within! Giant fans wheel themselves onto the stage and turn on, blasting -- THE AUDIENCE -- who wince, AD LIB complaints, and hold on to any thing that might blow away. Colonel Richter sits still, perfectly engrossed. TITLE CARD: "RAOUL AND DAVE... GET A JOB OFFER" INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY A fancy, old-money meeting room, heavy on the mahogany, brass, and leather. Colonel Richter sits across from Dave and Raoul. COLONEL RICHTER We want you to work for the United States government. DAVE What do we have to do? COLONEL RICHTER You have to blow people's minds. RAOUL Hey, that's exactly what we -- DAVE Stop. Just -- stop. INT. CATWALK - DAY Colonel Richter leads Raoul and Dave (who have visitor badges) down a long catwalk in a huge, elaborate, underground bunker. They pass a series of posters on a nearby wall. Poster #1: WWII propaganda for the "British Confusion Squad." The art has stylized pictures of music-hall performers. The copy reads, "Jerry will never know what hit him!" Poster #2: A Saul-Bass-style poster for "The Federal Psychedelic Breakfast Agency", with stylized pictures of a guitarist, a meditating guru, and a Hamlet figure holding a skull. The slogan beneath: "Make happenings, not war." Poster #3: a picture of Andy Kaufman. The bottom of the poster reads, "Andy Kaufman: he won the Cold War", with smaller copy beneath. RAOUL The government's hiring performance artists? That's so cool! COLONEL RICHTER The USPAA has a long history of dispatching performance artists to tactical locations. DAVE That makes no sense. COLONEL RICHTER Dave, a closed mind is fascism's best friend. You think democracy's been just spreading on its own? It's been the hard work of people like you, expanding people's horizons. Dave sees the third poster. DAVE Andy Kaufman won the Cold War? Colonel Richter opens a heavy-looking security door. COLONEL RICHTER Almost singlehandedly. RAOUL Where are we going? They walk through the door into -- INT. EQUIPMENT WAREHOUSE -- the largest warehouse Raoul and Dave have ever seen. Shelves upon shelves of theatrical equipment. Large boxes labeled "close-up magic" and "chemistry". Racks and racks of elaborate costumes. A large inflatable pig floats serenely in a dark corner of the rafters. COLONEL RICHTER This is your equipment. For the first time, Dave's face lights up. DAVE We'll do it. RAOUL Sweet! TITLE CARD: "RAOUL AND DAVE... TAKE THE JOB." INT. CONTROL ROOM - DAY Dave looks over a massive flatscreen that shows a rotating topological map. COLONEL RICHTER (V.O.) This won't be easy. These missions take planning -- EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY Dave hits a button on a test device, while Raoul looks on. Suddenly, the device soots sparks in every direction. Raoul and Dave run away. COLONEL RICHTER (V.O.) -- they take technology -- INT. MEETING ROOM The same expensive-looking meeting room as before. Colonel Richter sits across from Raoul and Dave. COLONEL RICHTER -- and sometimes you just have to improvise. EXT. MIDDLE EASTERN STREET - DAY In an alcove off a dusty road lined with ramshackle buildings, Raoul secures a snow machine in place. Then a nasty-looking SECURITY OFFICER sees Raoul and aims an automatic weapon at him. All of this dialog is in Arabic with subtitles -- SECURITY OFFICER Put that down! What are you doing?! RAOUL We're going to make it snow on this street for exactly two minutes. SECURITY OFFICER That sounds... okay, that sounds kind of awesome. RAOUL Doesn't it? INT. SENATE SUBCOMMITTEE ROOM - DAY SENATOR GRAVES (50s) and other SENATORS, including the SUBCOMMITTEE CHAIRMAN (60s), sit at a fancy table on a raised platform. They all look down on Colonel Richter, who sits at a cheap table in a cheap chair behind a cheap microphone. SENATOR GRAVES Colonel, their intelligence has predicted our every move. COLONEL RICHTER I'll tell you what they can't predict, Senator: performance art. SENATOR GRAVES But it's just two guys. Colonel Richter rises from his chair. COLONEL RICHTER Crop circles were just two guys! Two guys, some rope, and a dream! General hullaballoo. The subcommittee chairman bangs a gavel. SUBCOMMITTEE CHAIRMAN Order! Order! The room settles down. Colonel Richter sits. EXT. MIDDLE EASTERN STREET - DAY Two SECURITY OFFICERS patrol the street. Suddenly -- Snow is drifting down from the sky. Lots of it. One officer makes a snowball, throws it at the other. COLONEL RICHTER (V.O.) They can do great things, sir. EXT. SMALL TOWN, QINGHAI PROVINCE - DAY Excited children run down a city street to see -- GIANT HOLOGRAMS -- of Raoul and Dave walking through the mountains. COLONEL RICHTER (V.O.) You'll see. They'll change the world, one happening at a time. EXT. PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA - DAY A bleak, gray day in a bleak, gray city. PEDESTRIANS shuffle along the street. One of them looks up. Soon they're all looking up at -- BALLOON ANIMALS It must be thousands of them, brightly colored, filling the sky. SENATOR GRAVES (V.O.) You might be right, Colonel. EXT. PYONGYANG ROOFTOP Raoul and Dave pull back a tarp from a huge bin of brightly colored balloon animals. The balloons float up into the sky. Raoul and Dave look proud. SENATOR GRAVES (V.O.) You just might be right. TITLE CARD: "RAOUL AND DAVE CONFUSE THE WORLD" FADE OUT.
Mood: proud · Music: none