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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (4/17/09) 8:49pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Friday Sketch War.

This week's Friday Sketch War theme is "Taxes."


               Sketch War
               Taxes Edition
               "Mrs. Purcell"

               FADE IN:  



               INT. IRS OFFICE - DAY

               Typical government office:  small and cheap, with a desk,
               some chairs, and tidy stacks of papers everywhere.

               MRS. PURCELL (50s, professional) sits at the desk, typing
               into an old PC.

               GARY (20s, cheap suit, nervy) pokes his head in.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         Gary!  Welcome to your audit!

                                   GARY
                         Mom?

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         Gary, I'm acting in my official
                         capacity as an auditor, here, so
                         you should call me "Mrs. Purcell".

               Gary takes a seat across from his mother.

               Mrs. Purcell picks out a stack of papers and looks it over.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         Let's start with the basics. 
                         Still... single.  Still... a
                         writer.

                                   GARY
                         *You're* doing my audit?

               She plucks out a sheet of paper.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         Now, this list of charitable
                         donations --

                                   GARY
                         Oh, yeah, that trip to Goodwill. 

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         You used an out-of-date estimation
                         worksheet!

                                   GARY
                         Oh no.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         No, this means that you actually
                         should have gotten a refund!

                                   GARY
                         Whew!  Great!

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         But what about this item:  "cast
                         iron household decorations?"

                                   GARY
                         Oh, that --

                                   MRS. PURCELL 
                         The ones Aunt Terry gave you?

                                   GARY
                         Mom, I --

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         "Mrs. Purcell!"

                                   GARY
                         Mrs. Purcell, it was a nice gift,
                         but Juliet's particular about
                         decorating.

                                   MRS. PURCELL 
                         That reminds me -- why aren't you
                         kids filing jointly?

                                   GARY
                         We don't --

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         You've been together two years.

                                   GARY
                         That's true --

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         You're engaged, right?

                                   GARY
                         We've talked about marriage, Mom. 

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         "Mrs. Purcell!"

                                   GARY
                         Mrs. Purcell.  It's not the same
                         thing.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         Is it a money thing?

                                   GARY
                         No.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         I mean, looking at your taxable
                         income -- maybe she's holding out
                         for somebody more... solvent.

                                   GARY
                         I'm not getting a different job,
                         Mom.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         It's "Mrs. --"

                                   GARY
                         Mrs. Purcell. 

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         I'm just saying that maybe you
                         should be a little better with your
                         money.  You've donated $500 to --
                         the Obama campaign?

                                   GARY
                         Oh, god.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         I'll just assume you didn't know
                         what he was planning to do to the
                         tax structure.

                                   GARY
                         Can we not argue about this now?

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         At least set up a 529 college fund. 
                         You know, for when your kids -- 

                                   GARY
                         We've been over this.  I don't even
                         like kids.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         Well, that's because you haven't
                         had any yet!

               Gary stands.

                                   GARY
                         You know what, Mom?  I don't know
                         how many ethics violations it is
                         for you to do your own son's audit,
                         but I'm done with this.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         Gary, it's illegal to --

                                   GARY
                         -- then have me arrested.

               Gary exits.  SLAM.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         Oh dear.

               Linda (20s, professional) pokes her head in.

                                   LINDA
                         Was there a problem, Mrs. Purcell?

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         Oh no, Linda, his returns are fine.

               Linda makes to leave; Mrs. Purcell stops her.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         But, put him on the watch list and
                         schedule an audit for next year.

               Mrs. Purcell tidies up her desk.

                                   MRS. PURCELL
                         I think we should keep an eye on
                         him.

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.



(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

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Mood: [mood icon] relieved (finished another one!) · Music: none
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