?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (6/12/09) 7:30pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Friday Sketch War.

This week's Sketch War theme is "Pirates!"

(This was fun. :) )

               Sketch War
               Pirates Edition
               "The Great Ship in the Sky"

               FADE IN:  



               EXT. FEATURELESS CLEARING - DAY

               GEORGE (40s, neatly conservative) emerges from the white mist
               surrounding a featureless white clearing.

               He sees a PIRATE with a hook and a scroll waiting for him.

               The faint sounds of a SHIP can be heard nearby.

                                   GEORGE
                         What -- I -- there were screeching
                         tires, and then --

                                   PIRATE
                         Avast!  Welcome to the
                         Port'o'Judgment, weary traveler.

                                   GEORGE
                         Porta-wha?

                                   PIRATE
                         What ye may call the "Pearrrly
                         Gates".

                                   GEORGE
                         Gates?  But I didn't -- I'm not --

               The pirate patiently unfurls his scroll.

                                   PIRATE
                         Scuttled.  Sunk to the depth'o'Davy
                         Jones.  Dead as a bungcork.

               He reads from the scroll:

                                   PIRATE
                         "How much seafarin' have ye done? 
                         (A) born on the waves and there I
                         stayed; (B) sometimes tasted the
                         glory of a seabound voyage; (C)
                         landlubber."

                                   GEORGE
                         Um -- C --

               The pirate winces.

                                   PIRATE
                         C, ach.  "Complete the following
                         shanty:
                             (singing)
                         Oh, a pirate ship is a very fine
                         ship, and she rides the finest
                         waves --"

                                   GEORGE
                         Why are you asking pirate
                         questions?

                                   PIRATE
                         'tis the way of things.  You've
                         ended your life, and now your soul
                         is to be judged.

                                   GEORGE
                         I've lived a good life.  I've lived
                         according to the teachings of Jesus
                         Christ.

                                   PIRATE
                         "Christ?"

               He thinks a moment.

                                   PIRATE
                         Ah, you mean "Bearded Josh, the
                         Scourge of the Levantine Seas!"

                                   GEORGE
                         Jesus Christ was a pirate?

                                   PIRATE
                         Why do the books *always* leave
                         that bit out?  "The Book of
                         Numbers," "The Book of
                         Revelations," never "The Book of
                         Salty Tales of Pirate Jesus!"

                                   GEORGE
                         Christ was a pirate?

                                   PIRATE
                         For his whole adult life!  You
                         think he just disappeared for
                         twenty years?

                                   GEORGE
                         Wait, I'm being judged on being a
                         pirate?

                                   PIRATE
                         Them that go to the Great Ship in
                         the Sky are the ones who truly
                         lived in the first place.  And the
                         livin' that's not on a pirate ship,
                         'tis no livin' at all.  Arr!

               Unseen pirates in the distance answer back:

                                   DISTANT PIRATES
                         Arr!

                                   GEORGE
                             (lamely)
                         Um.  Arr.

                                   PIRATE
                         Stop.

                                   GEORGE
                         Matey?

                                   PIRATE
                         Just stop.

                                   GEORGE
                         But this makes no sense!  Pirates
                         are thieves!  They're evil!

                                   PIRATE
                         Evil?!  Pirates fought off the
                         Great Zombie Plague of 1983!

                                   GEORGE
                         What plague?

                                   PIRATE
                         Exactly!  And then there was
                         Captain Blackhammer's space corsair
                         that averted asteroid U291 and
                         saved all mankind!

                                   GEORGE
                         That has to be made up.

                                   PIRATE
                         I should cut out your traitor
                         tongue that speaks so of the Armed
                         Peril of the Mare Tranquilis!  I --

               The pirate notices something offscreen.

                                   PIRATE
                         Parrot ho!

               A parrot carrying a slip of paper flies in and lands on the
               pirate's shoulder.

               The pirate takes the paper and reads it.

                                   PIRATE
                         Well, grapple the gunwales and call
                         me a octopus!

                                   GEORGE
                         Grapple your what?

                                   PIRATE
                         You're being resuscitated!

                                   GEORGE
                         Resuscita--?

                                   PIRATE
                         Called back from the plank, and ye
                         live to pillage another day!

                                   GEORGE
                         I -- I'm alive!

                                   PIRATE
                         And it's a chance to mend your
                         landlubbin' ways!

                                   GEORGE
                         To become a pirate?

                                   PIRATE
                         It also says you're losin' a hand. 
                         So --

               He gestures significantly at his hook.

                                   PIRATE
                         Just sayin':  think it over.

               An unseen force begins dragging George back into the mist.

                                   PIRATE
                         May a fair wind blow at yer back,
                         and a keen edge grace yer cutlass!

                                   GEORGE
                         I don't even know what that means!

               George disappears into the mist.

                                   PIRATE
                         Arr.  He be doomed.

               Meanwhile, distant pirates begin singing:

                                   DISTANT PIRATES (O.S.)
                         Oh, a pirate ship is a very fine
                         ship, and she rides the finest
                         waves!

               The pirate brightens up, and sings along as he exits into the
               mist:

                                   PIRATE
                         And she lays her anchor on a
                         distant shore by the golden moonlit
                         caves!

                                                         FADE TO BLACK.



(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

Tags: , ,
Mood: [mood icon] arr! · Music: none
Previous Entry Share Next Entry

Comments:

[User Picture]
From:shadyglenn
Date:Saturday (6/13/09) 1:31am
(Link)
Why, indeed, are there no "Salty Tales of Pirate Jesus"? A man who could walk on water must have made a mighty fine pirate. I'm just saying.
(Reply to this) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:judovitch
Date:Saturday (6/13/09) 6:04am
(Link)
3rded
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)
From:puppybane
Date:Saturday (6/13/09) 10:54am
(Link)
I don't suppose I would get leniency by explaining that I'm an orphan boy?

...slinks back to his Gilbert and Sullivan haze
(Reply to this) (Thread)
[User Picture]
From:hujhax
Date:Saturday (6/13/09) 11:14am

Ha!

(Link)
"And in their haste they pled their case to *pirates* and not *Pilate*."
(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)