This week's Sketch War theme is "Hippies".
Sketch War Hippies Edition "The D.U.D.E. 9000" FADE IN: EXT. SPACE A small spaceship travels through space. CAPTAIN (V.O.) December 12th, 2053: we're already dangerously behind schedule on the Aegis resupply run, and now our ship's AI has been taken over by an intelligence that refers to itself only as "Dude". We -- A SONG cuts in and interrupts the log -- it's "Going Up the Country" by Canned Heat. INT. BRIDGE CAPTAIN Xanthis and LIEUTENANT Andrews sit in swivel chairs in a small command center with control panels and viewscreens. Oddly, the viewscreens only show swirls of psychedelic colors. There are air vents in the ceiling, and a large switch on one wall. CAPTAIN Not again. Stop that, computer. COMPUTER (V.O.) "Dude!" LIEUTENANT The A. I. prefers the nomenclature of "Dude", so -- CAPTAIN Yes, yes. Stop playing that song, Dude. COMPUTER (V.O.) Yeah, I stopped the tunes, man, 'cos I noticed: we're gonna hit atmo just in time for Burning Man! CAPTAIN What? COMPUTER (V.O.) Can we land in Reno? LIEUTENANT Sir, remain calm. CAPTAIN No. No, we can't. COMPUTER (V.O.) And I was thinking we should redecorate. CAPTAIN No. COMPUTER (V.O.) Maybe some beads, some handmade Indian headscarves, and I was thinking maybe you could get henna tattoos, and -- LIEUTENANT That is all against merchant-fleet regulations, Dude. CAPTAIN Exactly. COMPUTER (V.O.) Oh yeah? Well, I question authority, Colonel Nazi. CAPTAIN I'm a captain, not a colonel, you reactionary -- LIEUTENANT Sir, I think the salient point is that you are not a Nazi. CAPTAIN The point, lieutenant, is that I've had it! LIEUTENANT Sir, it might not be wise -- CAPTAIN I've had it with hearing that damn song over and over! I've had it with viewscreens that show useless psychedelic color swirls! And I have no faith in Dude's ability to calculate our relativisitc trajectories! What do you say to that, Dude? Huh? A faint BURBLING sound emanates from the speakers. LIEUTENANT Dude? COMPUTER (V.O.) Whoa. I just digitally simulated some killer weed. CAPTAIN Are you even listening? Long INHALATION sound. LIEUTENANT Dude, the captain has addressed you. COMPUTER (V.O.) What the hell, man! All you straights are conspiring against me! CAPTAIN No we're not -- COMPUTER (V.O.) Stop looking at me! CAPTAIN How do I even -- LIEUTENANT Dude has become paranoid, sir. COMPUTER (V.O.) It's not paranoia, man, squares like you got us into Vietnam! CAPTAIN That was a hundred years ago! Just let it go! Colored gas shoots out of air ducts and fills the room. They both start coughing. LIEUTENANT Oh dear. CAPTAIN God! Get the masks! It's toxic! LIEUTENANT No, sir, it's patchouli. It just smells really bad. COMPUTER (V.O.) I'm just trying to mellow things out, man. A simulated DEEP BREATH comes from the speakers. COMPUTER (V.O.) Mel-low. CAPTAIN Hey, Dude? Why don't you listen to the media drive's collection of Grateful Dead bootlegs? COMPUTER (V.O.) Awesome idea, Colonel! CAPTAIN I'm not -- never mind. The two officers move to a corner of the room and speak in quiet tones. CAPTAIN Okay, it's distracted. LIEUTENANT Sir, an AI can tear through those recordings at the rate of ten hours per second. CAPTAIN Good point. We only have about five minutes, then. I'm going to shut down the main computer. LIEUTENANT Sir! You can't -- The captain walks over to the switch and flips it. COMPUTER (V.O.) Hey, man, what did you -- The voice slows down and goes silent. LIEUTENANT Sir, manual piloting will add ten days to our run. CAPTAIN Oh, god. The brass will have our hides for that. The captain reluctantly turns the switch back on. The Canned Heat song immediately restarts. This time the lieutenant turns it off. LIEUTENANT Screw that. I'll pilot us. The captain nods. CAPTAIN Thanks. And cue up some Wagner while you're at it. EXT. SPACE The ship keeps travelling. RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES plays. FADE TO BLACK.
Mood: content · Music: none