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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (7/17/09) 12:54pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Friday Sketch War.

This week's Sketch War theme is "Bad Manners".


               Sketch War
               Bad Manners Edition
               "Reservoir Dogs:  The Exceedingly Polite Version"

               FADE IN:



               OVER BLACK

               TITLE:  "Reservoir Dogs:  The Exceedingly Polite Version"



               INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

               The iconic Reservoir Dogs scene:  MR. BLONDE shuts the
               warehouse door and turns towards the COP, who is tied to a
               chair.

               Other items in the room:  a second chair, a radio, a canister
               of gasoline.

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         Now, where were we, officer?

                                   COP
                         I was wracking my brains trying to
                         recall anything about a possible
                         "set up" in your organization. 
                         Still coming up dry, I'm afraid.

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         Would it be okay if I tortured you?

                                   COP
                         Absolutely!  Given the
                         circumstantial evidence, it's
                         completely understandable to
                         suspect me of withholding
                         information.

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         Actually, I don't need information. 
                         I'm going to torture you because I
                         really don't like cops.  No
                         offense.

                                   COP
                         None taken!  I'm just relieved to
                         hear it's nothing personal.

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         Would you care for some music while
                         I -- y'know --

                                   COP
                         Please!

               He crosses to the radio and turns it on.

               It PLAYS "Stuck in the Middle With You."

                                   COP
                         Ah, Stealer's Wheel!  How
                         delightful!

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         Really?  It's one of my favorites,
                         too.

               Mr. Blonde sashays over to the cop in time with the music. 
               He opens a large knife.  He grabs a chair and sits opposite
               the cop.

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         Brace yourself, officer.  This will
                         hurt quite a bit.

                                   COP
                         Thanks for the warning!

               He reaches out and cuts off the cop's ear.

               The cop screams.

                                   COP
                         Pardon my screaming!

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         No problem.  I imagine having your
                         ear cut off is painful.  If it was
                         my ear, I'm sure I'd scream.

                                   COP
                         Fair enough, sir.

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         Now, I just feel awful about this,
                         officer, but I am going to have to
                         set you on fire.

                                   COP
                         Ah well.  Perhaps you could use
                         that gasoline over there?  That
                         should speed up the process.

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         Of course.

               He gets the canister and splashes the cop with gasoline while
               singing along to the music.

                                   COP
                         Before I die, I'd just like to
                         point out that you have a lovely
                         singing voice.

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         What a nice compliment!  Thank you! 
                         I'm amazed that you're able to
                         notice that, what with only the one
                         ear and all the physical pain.

                                   COP
                         Well, I am a lover of the arts.

               Mr. Blonde produces a match.

                                   MR. BLONDE
                         All right, then.  Any last words?

                                   COP
                         None spring to mind.  Just not my
                         day, is it?

               Mr. Blonde shrugs sympathetically, lights the match, and
               holds it out towards the cop.

               BLAM!  A shot EXPLODES in Mr. Blonde's chest.

               The camera WHIPS AROUND and we see MR. ORANGE unloading his
               weapon into Mr. Blonde.

               Mr. Blonde lands flat on his back.

               Mr. Orange approaches.

                                   COP
                         Wow.
                             (sternly)
                         I think you'd better apologize.

               Mr. Orange looks at his feet guiltily.

               Then, to Mr. Blonde --

                                   MR. ORANGE
                         Sorry, Mr. Blonde.

               Mr. Blonde makes a "think nothing of it" gesture and dies.

                                                              FADE OUT.



(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

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Mood: [mood icon] amused · Music: none
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