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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (7/31/09) 9:15am - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Friday Sketch War.

This week's Sketch War theme is "Vampires".

               Sketch War
               Vampires Edition
               "Vampers"

               FADE IN:



               INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY

               Typical rinky-dinky radio-station studio.

               JACK (50s, levelheaded) sits at a mic with a board of buttons
               close by.

               VINCE (30s, twitchy) sits at another mic.

               A PRODUCER sits behind a glass window.

                                   JACK
                         Welcome back to Big Sky Forum, back
                         with Vincent DuBois to talk about
                         Barack Obama's citizenship.

                                   VINCE
                         His lack of citizenship, Jack.

                                   JACK
                         Got it.  So the president's in
                         Montana this week.  If you could
                         talk to him, what would you say?

                                   VINCE
                         I'd ask him some simple, reasonable
                         questions.  Look, lots of folks say
                         us "birthers" are crazy conspiracy
                         nuts, but our concerns make sense. 
                         We just want proof that the
                         American president is American.

                                   JACK
                         And if there is no birth
                         certificate, then--

                                   VINCE
                         -- then he can't be the President,
                         by article two of the Constitution. 
                         But that's not the important thing.

                                   JACK
                         What's the important thing?

                                   VINCE
                         We think he faked that certificate
                         because he was born in Kenya --

                                   JACK
                         Uh-huh.

                                   VINCE
                         -- over three hundred years ago.

                                   JACK
                         Maybe I didn't hear that right --

                                   VINCE
                         He's a vampire, Jack.

               Jack laughs.

               Uncomfortable pause.

                                   VINCE
                         Laugh all you want.  I'm serious. 
                         You've seen the hold he has on
                         audiences -- it's hypnotic!  And
                         the references to hundred-year-old
                         history nobody knows about?  That's
                         vampire behavior.

                                   JACK
                         Vampires aren't real.

                                   VINCE
                         Yes they are, Jack, because Barack
                         is one of them.

                                   JACK
                         But Obama eats normal food --

                                   VINCE
                         Vampires can ingest limited
                         amounts.

                                   JACK
                         He has kids --

                                   VINCE
                         Fake kids.

                                   JACK
                         There are hundreds of pictures that
                         show Barack Obama aging over the
                         course of his life --

                                   VINCE
                         And that should tell you how big of
                         a conspiracy we're up against,
                         Jack.

                                   JACK
                         Okay, what evidence would it take
                         to convince you Obama doesn't live
                         off of human blood?

                                   VINCE
                         Jack, these silly mind games aren't
                         going to do you much good once
                         you're trapped in a government
                         health care blood farm, while the
                         vamps lure your daughters into the
                         ranks of the undead.

                                   JACK
                         But -- okay, okay.  We've all seen
                         Obama out in the daylight, all the
                         time.

                                   VINCE
                         Yes, and if you look at the
                         footage, you can see clear signs of
                         sparkling.

                                   JACK
                         Sparkling?  Wait, you can't mean--

               A button starts blinking on the board.

               The producer starts gesturing wildly.

                                   VINCE
                         It's clearly established in
                         Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series
                         that vampires can go out in
                         daylight, but then they sparkle in
                         the sun.

                                   JACK
                         I'm gonna have to cut in here --

               Jack presses the button.

                                   JACK
                         Hello, caller, you're on Big Sky
                         Forum.

                                   BARACK (V.O.)
                         Hi, this is Barack Obama.

               Vincent makes a cross with his fingers.

                                   VINCE
                         Demon!

                                   BARACK (V.O.)
                         Mr. Dubois, accusing me of
                         vampirism is one thing.  But saying
                         I'm a Twilight vampire?  Sir, that
                         crosses a line of basic human
                         decency.

                                   VINCE
                         Oh, so you're denying it?

                                   BARACK (V.O.)
                         They aren't even real vampires. 
                         They're like mopey kids that would
                         hang out at Hot Topic.  And vampire
                         baseball?  Don't get me started.

                                   VINCE
                         I'm just citing the evidence.

                                   BARACK (V.O.)
                         Look, if I were a vampire, I'd be a
                         classy, Bram Stoker vampire.  Or
                         maybe one of the Sunnyvale vampires
                         from Buffy.  Or, heck, I'd be an
                         Anne Rice metrosexual Louisiana
                         vampire before deigning to join the
                         Cullens in their march through
                         literary mediocrity.

                                   JACK
                         Sorry to cut you off, Mister
                         President, but we've got to go to
                         commercial for a second.  We'll be
                         back after the break with Xavier
                         San Pedro, who believes that Obama
                         is secretly an alien robot.  Care
                         to stay on the line, Mr. President?

                                   BARACK (V.O.)
                         Oh, hell yes.  That sounds cool.

                                                              FADE OUT.


(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

Tags: , ,
Mood: [mood icon] amused · Music: none
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Comments:

[User Picture]
From:judovitch
Date:Friday (8/1/09) 12:55pm
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Note to self - don't read sketchwars in meetings at work. Choked-off guffaws get you glared at.
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[User Picture]
From:hujhax
Date:Friday (8/1/09) 12:58pm
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*bows*
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