This week's Sketch War theme is "The Cold War".
Sketch War Cold War Edition "Very Important Regulations" FADE IN: INT. POWER-PLANT OFFICE - DAY STEVE (40s) sits behind a desk in a boxy, gray office. Schematics and photos of nuclear reactors line the walls; a large, friendly advertising poster ("Happy Meadows Nuclear Power... Clean and Affordable Energy") occupies the most prominent spot. A thick-looking gray binder sits on the desk. VLAD (30s) knocks and pushes the door open. STEVE Vlad! Vlad speaks with a clear Russian accent. VLAD You asked about the cavitation sensor -- STEVE This isn't that. VLAD We replaced its through-line capacitor, and we only need you to sign off -- STEVE In a second, Vlad. Steve gestures towards a seat. Vlad sits. STEVE As of today, you are officially a level-one nuclear technician! VLAD I got the promotion? They share a laugh and a handshake. Steve dusts off the binder. STEVE Just a quick formality and we'll get you set up. Steve reads from the first page. STEVE Are you, or have you ever been, a Communist? VLAD What? STEVE It's security regulations. Your new post is core-critical, so I have to ask these questions. VLAD Okay, um, not a Coummunist. Steve marks down the answer. VLAD Why are you asking -- STEVE These were written in 1958. VLAD No one updated the security questions in fifty years? STEVE They're nuclear regulations, Vlad. VLAD Good point. STEVE Now: have you ever been in a group or agency bent on undermining western capitalism? VLAD (sarcastic) Yes, Mother Russia will expand her great Communist Empire to every corner of the -- STEVE I'm gonna put down "No." VLAD Why don't you ask if I am in Al Qaeda or something? STEVE Oh, that's the new subsection. VLAD Ask me those questions. STEVE There aren't any questions, just -- well -- are you Middle Eastern? No. He marks that down. VLAD Was that -- that was a racial profile! STEVE Which you passed! Okay, are you or any of your family a Russian national? VLAD I'm from Moscow, Steve. Tasha is from St. Petersburg. You know this already. STEVE Well, just -- can't you just *say* you're from Jersey or something? VLAD You know what? No. I won't. These regs are stupid and insulting. I'm proud to be Russian and, even though I really want the promotion -- STEVE Hold up, hold up. Okay, we can list you as Russian, if we claim you're a double agent. VLAD I will not -- a double agent? STEVE We can say that you're a Russian spy feeding misinformation back to Central Committee. VLAD That actually sounds kind of cool. Steve pulls a microfiche canister out of a cabinet. STEVE You just have to send one of these microfiches canisters to Russia every month or so. Vlad takes the microfiche, unspools a bit, studies it. VLAD I can send these to random friends back home. STEVE And you can explain to them why they're getting slightly incorrect schematics of fifty-year-old ordnance on a medium that was end of-lifed twenty years ago. VLAD Perhaps more fun if I don't. Steve stands. STEVE So. The cavitation sensor? Vlad stands. VLAD It just needs a quick look. They go to the door. VLAD You don't think I'd really -- y'know... STEVE Of course not. They exit. STEVE (O.S.) If this plant melts down, it'll melt down the old-fashioned way: through well-intentioned incompetence. VLAD (O.S.) Amen. FADE OUT.
Mood: amused · Music: none