This week's Sketch War theme is "Crazy Cults".
Sketch War Crazy Cults Edition "Cultocracy" FADE IN: INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY PAOLO, SUSAN, and other UNDERLINGS in ceremonial robes sit around a long table. The LEADER -- a peevish man in his forties with an especially ornate costume -- enters and takes a seat at the head of the table. The underlings rise and wave their arms in the air: UNDERLINGS I give my soul to Hrugu! LEADER At peace, friends. The underlings sit. LEADER Now, first -- wait, where are my peeled blueberries? PAOLO Ah -- we didn't get the requisition form out in time. LEADER Requisition form? SUSAN We're trying to be a more efficient cult. The other underlings murmur their agreement with Susan and Paolo -- as they will do throughout. LEADER Susan, this is not a cult. It's just a space where all of you are free to selflessly worship me. Paolo produces a clipboard and a pile of complicated-looking forms. PAOLO Does this mean we have to retitle all the "Cult" requisition forms? LEADER We don't need forms for -- PAOLO We also have computer databases that are indexed on those "Cult" titles. LEADER Merely follow the Hrugu Way, and -- SUSAN Maybe we could form a name-change subcommittee and research this whole "what to call ourselves" problem space! LEADER Friends, remember, Hrugu's word is law. And if it is not followed, even on as simple a matter as fresh fruit, on Hrugu's behalf I can kill you all with a mere thought! PAOLO Ah. Yes. Paolo sifts through the papers, pulls out one, clips it to the clipboard, shows it to the leader. PAOLO About the 'kill with your brain' thing -- we have a new insurance waiver for that. SUSAN You can fill out one of these before any terminations, and things will be so much easier with our insurance carriers. LEADER This is the sort of insolence that angers Hrugu! He will send the unbelievers to the alligator pit! SUSAN We don't quite have the alligator pit prepared. LEADER What? PAOLO Technically, construction projects do require a two-thirds majority vote -- LEADER You haven't made the pit? PAOLO -- and we were already pushing things by skipping the white-paper specification. LEADER Fine. Fine. But just remember, only those who follow Hrugu in word and in spirit can ascend in the invisible blimp. Susan pulls out some architectural diagrams. SUSAN Oh, which reminds me, we need line item approvals for some minor technical changes to the invisible blimp plans. She pushes the papers in the leader's direction. SUSAN Could you initial these? Oh, and press down hard enough for both carbons. The leader fakes a spasmodic fit, and then speaks in a loud grumbly voice: LEADER HRUGU IS AMONG YOU! SUSAN Wow! LEADER HE DEMANDS HIS WORD BE CARRIED OUT WITHOUT SUBCOMMITTEES OR REQUISITION FORMS! SUSAN Hrugu -- um, Hrugu? LEADER YES? SUSAN I hate to point this out, but you are a new entity joining this meeting, right? LEADER WHAT? I GUESS SO. WHY? PAOLO You haven't been included in today's quorum, so, technically you can't participate in today's discussion. LEADER QUORUM? PAOLO I didn't invent the rules of parliamentary procedure, your godhead. Susan produces a "Sign-Up Sheet" decorated with smiley faces. SUSAN Next time, be sure to use the sign up sheet! The leader sighs and stomps out of the room. SUSAN Oh dear. PAOLO Hrugu is coming back, right? The underlings give each other confused looks. An old, genial narrator speaks over the footage. NARRATOR (V.O.) But their leader was gone forever. SERIES OF PHOTOS: 1) The underlings as farmers. 2) The underlings as jungle guerrilla fighters. 3) The underlings as the cast of a morning talk show. 4) The underlings as a heavy-metal band. NARRATOR (V.O.) The cult, lacking direction, tried a series of ill-conceived work programs... PHOTO: the underlings as bums. NARRATOR (V.O.) ... until they hit rock bottom. Only then did they embrace their true love of bureaucracy... SERIES OF PHOTOS: 1) Exterior shot, 'Humana health care' building. 2) Exterior shot, Enron building. 3) Exterior shot, ABC television. NARRATOR (V.O.) ... and begin taking over major corporations... PHOTO: An anonymous office building. NARRATOR ... including... your own! INT. OFFICE - DAY (Note: this is still a narrated slideshow.) A bland, gray office. Paolo, in office attire, brandishes a pile of complicated-looking forms at JASON. NARRATOR (V.O.) So remember: the next time you have trouble with workplace bureaucracy... Jason waves his arms in the air, shouting something. NARRATOR (V.O.) ... just say, "I give my soul to Hrugu!" Ding! Paolo now wears ceremonial robes and gives Jason a thumbs up. NARRATOR (V.O.) They'll accept you as one of their own! EXT. FIELD - DAY An empty field. Paolo points at something invisible. Jason looks confused. NARRATOR (V.O.) ... show you their invisible blimp... INT. BLIMP CONTROL ROOM - DAY (Note: this is still a narrated slideshow.) A small room with blinkenlights; a helpful sign reads "Blimp Control Room". Paolo feeds Jason peeled blueberries. NARRATOR (V.O.) ... feed you peeled blueberries... Suddenly, two bulky gentlemen in robes grab hold of Jason. NARRATOR (V.O.) ... and then drag you away to their vicious alligator pit. Because that's what they do with outsiders who know their secrets. Jason angrily flips off the camera. NARRATOR (V.O.) Don't blame me -- I'm just the announcer. They drag Jason offscreen, and Paolo follows, leaving the control room empty. Chuck Mangione's "Feels So Good" FADES IN. NARRATOR (V.O.) Now, where were we? Ah yes. Hello, whiskey. CLINK. A glass FILLS. The screen begins a SLOW FADE. In the last few photos, Paolo re-enters, now splashed with blood and filling out a form on his clipboard. NARRATOR (V.O.) Let's introduce you to my belly. (glug) Ah. FADE OUT.