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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (10/30/09) 9:28pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Sketch War.

Sketchwar is an online weekly sketch-writing group.  Every week, participants write comedy sketches about that week's topic; at the end of the week, we read each other's sketches, comment, and perhaps bicker about who wrote the best sketch that week.  If you're interested in participating, this page has information about how to throw a sketch into the ring, as well as the schedule of upcoming topics (next week's topic is "Football").

This week's Sketch War topic was "Haunted House"; I decided to write a sequel to this sketch.

               Friday Sketch War
               Haunted House Edition
               "Frank Defeats the Ghost of Pure Evil"
               [In case there is any doubt:  yes, this is a cartoon.]

               FADE IN:  

               TITLE CARD:  "Frank Defeats the Ghost of Pure Evil"



               INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

               FRANK, a cat, sleeps in his basket.

               He wears a collar with a name tag attached.

               He also wears a cat-sized jester's costume.  With bells.

               He is not happy about this.

               The basket sits next to a sofa with high armrests, and his
               large water bowl sits next to the basket.

               HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS fill the living room!

               A fake skeleton leans against one wall.

               A giant bowl of candy sits on an end table by the front door.  

               A large ficus tree is done up with orange lights.

               Orange and black candles provide eerie light.

               Frank drifts off to sleep.

               Nearby, OLIVE (30s) holds a large drink and talks on her cell
               phone.

                                   OLIVE
                         I know!  A Halloween party!  And
                         Frank has his own precious costume.

               Olive exits, still talking.

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         Both senior VPs are bringing their
                         kids.



               CLOSE ON FRANK

               A chill wind blows through the room, but Frank doesn't quite
               wake up.

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         I bought so much candy.

               And then, out of nowhere, a FAINT BUT TERRIFYING HOWL.  Frank
               stirs, still asleep.

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         Uh-huh.

               Another, LOUDER HOWL.

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         Uh-huh.

               Frank stirs himself awake.  He looks around groggily.  We
               PULL BACK to REVEAL:



               THE GHOST OF PURE EVIL

               A ghostly monster, about a foot tall, drifting through the
               living room, HOWLING with evil glee!

               Frank is wide awake now.

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         I know.  I call it "schmooze
                         ertainment."

               The ghost approaches the ficus, and reaches INTO it with his
               ghostly hand.

               The ficus suddenly SHRIVELS and DIES!

               The ghost CHUCKLES contentedly.

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         Exactly.  Dinner parties are where
                         a woman like me can thrive.

               After a few seconds of strenuous effort, the ghost
               successfully yanks his hand free from the tree.

               Frank jumps to his feet, afraid.

               The little bells on his costume JINGLE.

               The ghost WHIPS HIS HEAD AROUND at Frank!

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         A new wine bar?  Do tell!

               The ghost chases Frank around the room!

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         Oh, that's just Frank, running
                         around again.

               Frank jumps at the front door and frantically scratches at it
               as the ghost gets closer, closer, closer....

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         You can't go out, Frank!

               At the LAST SECOND, Frank darts under the ghost and hides...



               UNDER THE SOFA

               ... where he flattens himself to the floor and scans the room
               repeatedly.

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         I picked a jester, 'cos it's silly,
                         just like Frank!

               Then, just as soon as he feels kind-of okay...

               ... the GHOST emerges through the bottom of the sofa!



               LIVING ROOM

               Frank runs out again, the ghost following steadily behind.

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         One second, Tiffany.

               Olive STOMPS into the living room carrying a water pistol.

                                   OLIVE
                         Frank, what are you doing?

               The ghost turns.  Sees Olive.  SMILES.

               Frank looks at Olive.

               Frank stares dead at the ghost, like a dog pointing.

                                   OLIVE
                         What are you looking at, Frank?

               Oh, crap.

               She doesn't see the ghost.  Back to the phone:

                                   OLIVE
                         They are going to love the
                         decorations.

               The ghost approaches Olive.  Closer.  Closer.  Then...

               Frank jumps in between them!

               He makes a ruckus to get the ghost's attention.

               It works!  The ghost looks at Frank instead of Olive!

               Then Frank piles into the skeleton, which clatters to the
               floor.

                                   OLIVE
                         Oh, no.

               Frank lies there, a bit dazed, as the ghost closes in.

               Then, just as the ghost is almost touching him...

                                   OLIVE
                         BAD KITTY!

               Olive squirts the water pistol at Frank and exits.

               Frank winces at the spray, and then sees:

               The GHOST, slumping away in pain, with a STREAM OF FIRE
               burning STRAIGHT THROUGH IT where the water passed through.

               The fire smolders a bit and goes out.

               The ghost turns around and looks at Frank.

               Pissed.  Off.

                                   OLIVE (O.S.)
                         I'll call you back.

               The chase begins in earnest now.

               The ghost was just toying with him before; now it's FAST.

               Frank runs across the room, desperately clambers up the sofa,
               and then...

               WAITS.

               He just sits there.

               The ghost appraoches.  Stops.  Grins.  Saunters up to Frank. 
               Reaches a hand INSIDE FRANK'S CHEST.

               Frank shudders.  Does nothing for a long, long second.  And
               then:

               Frank THROWS HIMSELF OFF THE SOFA.

               The ghost, unable to wrench his hand free, falls right with
               him.

               Frank lands on top of the ghost.

               The ghost lands in the big bowl of water.

               After a split-second:

               FOOM!

               An explosion of short-lived flames, and an unconscious,
               faintly-smoldering Frank flies across the room.

               Frank lands in the big bowl of candy.

               The end-table topples to the floor.

               Candy scatters everywhere, just as:

               The DOOR OPENS, revealing the PARTYGOERS and their CHILDREN,
               all in various costumes.

                                   CHILDREN
                         Trick or treat!

                                   CHILD DRESSED AS A GHOST
                         Ooooo!

               (It sounds a lot like the real ghost.)

               The children immediately gather up the mother lode of candy.

                                   CHILD #1
                         I got a candy bar!

                                   CHILD #2
                         I got a lollipop!

                                   CHILD #3
                         I got a dead kitty!

               Other children SCREAM at that.

               Everyone makes room for Frank.  He's motionless.  His singed
               jester's costume continues to smolder.

               Olive runs in.

                                   OLIVE
                         One of the decorations must have
                         caught fire -- Frank?

               No response.

                                   OLIVE
                         Frank?

               And then:

               Frank rouses himself awake.

                                   CHILD #1
                         The cat that gave us candy is okay!

                                   CHILDREN
                         Yay!

                                   OLIVE
                         Oh, we'll have to get you out of
                         this costume.

               Frank exudes relief.

                                                               FADE TO:



               INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT - LATER

               Frank is back at his basket, with a little bandage wrapped
               around one arm, as the dinner party, with Olive, the
               partygoers, and their kids, continues.

               Frank is drifting asleep as one of the kids approaches.

                                   CHILD #1
                             (whispers)
                         Psst!

               The child drops a bit of salmon in front of the basket.

                                   CHILD #1
                             (whispers)
                         Here's some salmon from the table,
                         Mister Cat!

               The child wanders back to the crowd.

               Frank eats happily.

                                   CHILD DRESSED AS A GHOST
                         Ooooo!

               Frank nudges something out from under him -- it's the water
               pistol! -- and into firing position.

               He points it here and there, eyeing the room warily.

               Then he falls back asleep.

                                                              FADE OUT.



(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

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Mood: [mood icon] amused · Music: none
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