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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (12/25/09) 9:17pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Sketch War.

Sketchwar is an online weekly sketch-writing group.  Every week, participants write comedy sketches about that week's topic; at the end of the week, we read each other's sketches, comment, and perhaps bicker about who wrote the best sketch that week.  If you're interested in participating, this page has information about how to throw a sketch into the ring, as well as the schedule of upcoming topics (next week's topic is "Snowstorm").

This week's Sketch War topic was "The End of the World".

               Friday Sketch War
               The End of the World Edition
               "Destroying the Earth, Over and Over"

               FADE IN:  



               INT. BUSINESS OFFICE - DAY

               MASON and ZANE (20s, fashion-y suits) sit across from T'HOTH,
               a robed, bumpy-headed alien with a sheaf of papers.

               There are posters on the wall for movies like Dragonocalypse,
               The Gray Goo, and The Day the Moon Smashed Into the Earth.

                                   T'HOTH
                         Conventionally, I would bring a
                         battalion of spaceships to the
                         planet, fire up large-phase energy
                         weapons, and --

                                   MASON
                         T'Hoth, Ima stop you right there.

                                   ZANE
                         Spaceships?

                                   MASON
                         Played out.  Totally played out.

               T'Hoth flips through his papers.

                                   T'HOTH
                         But most of my methods for
                         destroying planets are rather
                         spaceship-centric.

                                   MASON
                         'saright.  You've destroyed
                         hundreds of planets.

                                   ZANE
                         Just show us what you got, High
                         Emperor T'Hoth.  All ears.

                                   T'HOTH
                         Ah -- you could trap the Earth in a
                         simultaneity loop.  That way,
                         temporal copies of the Earth keep
                         appearing in the same moment, until
                         it all compacts into a steady-state
                         "neutron ring" along the planetary
                         orbit --

                                   MASON
                         Whoa.

                                   ZANE
                         Too "science."

                                   MASON
                         It's original, and that's good.

                                   ZANE
                         But we need a way to destroy the
                         earth that a drooling, brain
                         damaged five-year-old can
                         understand.

                                   T'HOTH
                         You could stop the rotation of the
                         earth's core.

                                   MASON
                         Done.

                                   T'HOTH
                         Blow up the sun.

                                   ZANE
                         Done.

                                   T'HOTH
                         Hit the earth with a really big
                         hammer.

                                   MASON
                         Technically, the same as
                         Armageddon.

                                   T'HOTH
                         Amass an army of space dragons --

                                   ZANE
                         Animals?  Played. out.

                                   T'HOTH
                         Crash the moon into --

                                   MASON
                         Done.

                                   T'HOTH
                         Comets ta--

                                   MASON
                         Done.

                                   T'HOTH
                         Open a wormh--

                                   ZANE
                         Done.  Twice.

                                   T'HOTH
                         Well, that's me out of ideas.  I
                         mean, in the long run it'll be
                         resource depletion and greenhouse
                         gases --

                                   MASON
                         Too Obama.

                                   ZANE
                         Not enough explosions.

                                   T'HOTH
                         Hey.  Thanks for giving me a
                         chance.

               He shakes hands with Mason.

                                   MASON
                         Check is in the mail, bro.

                                   ZANE
                         So.

               Zane pulls out a promotional one-sheet with:  (1) a man
               running towards the camera with a gun; (2) lots of wind in
               the background; (3) the title "Assloads'o'Tornadoes."

                                   ZANE
                         We go with plan A?

                                   MASON
                         Only if we pronounce it "TOR-nuh
                         doze."

                                   ZANE
                         Deal.

               They shake hands.

                                                          STAR WIPE TO:



               A CLOSE-UP OF THE POSTER

                                   BACKGROUND SINGERS (V.O.)
                         Assloads of TOR-nuh-doze!
                         Spinnin' around and destroyin' the
                         planet!
                         Assloads of TOR-nuh-doze!
                         Gonna hit that wind with a really
                         big hammer!
                         Assloads of TOR-nuh-doze!


                                                              FADE OUT.



(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

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Mood: [mood icon] amused · Music: none
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