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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (3/26/10) 1:40pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Sketch War.

Sketchwar is an online weekly sketch-writing group.  Every week, participants write comedy sketches about that week's topic; at the end of the week, we read each other's sketches, comment, and perhaps bicker about who wrote the best sketch that week.  If you're interested in participating, this page has information about how to throw a sketch into the ring, as well as the schedule of upcoming topics (next week's topic is "April Fool's").

This week's Sketch War topic was "Blind".

               Sketchwar
               Blind Edition
               "Narration for the Blind"

               FADE IN:



               INT. RECORDING STUDIO - DAY

               A plain recording space with a big vocal mic and a large
               television monitor (though we can't see the screen).

               A PRODUCER sits at a console behind a large window.

               An ACTOR enters the studio, carrying a script.

                                   PRODUCER
                         Ready for the next scene?

                                   ACTOR
                         Yeah, just needed some water.

                                   PRODUCER
                         Great.  Make sure you sync up to
                         the images right.

               As the actor puts on a pair of headphones --

                                   ACTOR
                         Got it.

                                   PRODUCER
                         Okay, "David Lynch project,
                         commentary track for the visually
                         impaired, scene six, take one."

               The actor watches the screen, then reads from his script.

                                   ACTOR
                         A beautiful 1965 Cadillac
                         approaches the drugstore.

               Pause.

                                   ACTOR
                         John enters the drugstore.

               Short pause. 

                                   ACTOR
                         Everything is bright and cheery in
                         a way that is deeply, deeply
                         unsettling.

               Pause.

                                   ACTOR
                         He approaches the woman at the
                         checkout counter, who looks, not
                         model-hot, but still way too
                         attractive to work at a drugstore.

               Pause.

                                   ACTOR
                         That voice was disembodied.

               Pause.

                                   ACTOR
                         So was that one.

               Pause.

                                   ACTOR
                         She dances slowly to inaudible
                         music.

               Pause.

                                   ACTOR
                         Now the screen's gone all red and
                         wobbly.

               Pause.

                                   ACTOR
                         We hear her maniacal laughter while
                         her face stays still.

               Pause.

                                   ACTOR
                         I think his mouth has begun eating
                         itself.

               Pause.  The actor watches the screen for the right moment,
               then reads from the script:

                                   ACTOR
                         I don't even know.

               Pause.

                                   ACTOR
                         The drugstore explodes in a giant
                         fireball.

               Pause.

                                   ACTOR
                         And suddenly returns to normal.

                                   PRODUCER
                         And that's a take.

                                   ACTOR
                         Next scene?

                                   PRODUCER
                         Sure.

                                   ACTOR
                         Oh, and are we pronouncing it
                         'cephal-uh-pod' or 'cephal-oh-pod'?

               A sudden PUFF OF SMOKE and a smarmy GAME SHOW HOST appears.

                                   GAME SHOW HOST
                         Congratulations!  You've just
                         delivered the most interesting
                         sentence in the universe for March
                         28th!

                                   ACTOR
                         What?  I did?

                                   PRODUCER
                         Who are you talking to?

               The smoke expands to fill the screen, and the actor and game
               show host emerges from it to --



               INT. CHEAP GAME SHOW STUDIO - DAY

               The accoutrements of a low-budget 80s game show occupy what
               looks like an infinity cave.

               A large sign overhead says "The Universe".  A set of curtains
               wall off a nearby area.

               CHEESY PRODUCTION MUSIC plays.

               The game show host leads the actor to a seat.

                                   GAME SHOW HOST 
                         And for speaking the most
                         interesting sentence in the
                         universe, you receive a free
                         lifetime supply of Malt-o-Meal, and
                         this 1989 Chevy Corsica!

               He waves his arms, and the curtains part to reveal the car as
               TRIUMPHANT MUSIC plays.

               LOUD AUDIENCE APPLAUSE, obviously canned.

                                   GAME SHOW HOST
                         What do we say, Mr. Winner?

                                   ACTOR
                         Thanks, universe!

               As the host leads the actor over to the car, we cut to --



               STILL IMAGE

               Text at the top:  "The Universe:  brought to you by..."

               And there is a logo for "Quickie Lube".

                                   VOICEOVER
                         Promotional consideration for The
                         Universe by Quickie Lube Oil
                         Change.  Remember:  the only thing
                         vaguely-sexual about Quickie Lube
                         is our prices!

                                                              FADE OUT.



(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

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Mood: [mood icon] okay · Music: none
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