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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Saturday (5/29/10) 4:51pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Sketch War.

[... it's a day late, because I'm lazy. :-/ ]

Sketchwar is an online weekly sketch-writing group.  Every week, participants write comedy sketches about that week's topic; at the end of the week, we read each other's sketches, comment, and perhaps bicker about who wrote the best sketch that week.  If you're interested in participating, this page has information about how to throw a sketch into the ring, as well as the schedule of upcoming topics (next week's topic is "Birthdays").

This week's Sketch War topic was "Kung Fu".

               Sketchwar
               Kung Fu Edition
               "Reasonable Curiosity"

               FADE IN:



               INT. OFFICE - DAY

               MR. TURPLEE (middle-aged, office casual) sits at a desk
               across from JOHN (20s, cheap business suit).

               Mr. Turplee reads over a résumé.

               John waits.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Your 3.8 GPA was across the board?

                                   JOHN
                         Just in my major.

               Mr. Turplee yawns, pulls another printout off the desk.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Adams Mutual was mostly turnkey
                         systems?

                                   JOHN
                         Legacy databases.  I did contract
                         maintenance work.

               More reading.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Huh.  "Hobbies include martial
                         arts."

                                   JOHN
                         Yes.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         So, you can, like, kick through a
                         window?

                                   JOHN
                         Something like that.

               More reading.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Ever killed a man?

               John laughs.

               Mr. Turplee doesn't.

                                   JOHN
                         No.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Mmm.

               More reading.

                                   JOHN
                         Uh, the, legacy systems at Adams
                         had the same basic database
                         structure as --

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Okay.  What about when you're in
                         mid-jump, and time seems to slow
                         down, and --

                                   JOHN
                         I'm pretty sure that's done with
                         wires.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Oh.

               Reading.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         What about, there's always some old
                         man who sits off to the side and
                         just watches the big fight.  What's
                         *with* him?

                                   JOHN
                         It's a film convention.

               Reading.

                                   JOHN
                         Does the job actually *involve*
                         combat, or...?

               Mr. Turplee just stares at him.

               John forces a nervous chuckle.

               Mr. Turplee continues staring at him.

                                   JOHN
                         Sorry.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         What if you had to fight, say, two
                         guys.

                                   JOHN
                         I don't know.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Say each one had a poison-tipped
                         jackknife in each hand.

                                   JOHN
                         I don't know.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         And they're both... part tiger.

                                   JOHN
                         I don't know.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Could you break this desk?

                                   JOHN
                         What?

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Just slam your fist down and --
                         HYAAH!  BOOM!

                                   JOHN
                         No, I --

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         C'mon, break the desk!

                                   JOHN
                         Break it?

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Do it!

                                   JOHN
                         I'm here for a database job, I --

               Mr. Turplee slaps John lightly across the face.

               John is stunned.

               Mr. Turplee does it again, and continues doing it.

                                   MR. TURPLEE
                         Not man enough to break the desk,
                         huh mister martial-arts guy?  Huh?

               John backs out of range.

                                   JOHN
                         That's it!  Look, I don't know what
                         is with you, or what your obsession
                         with martial arts is, or... what,
                         exactly, but this is so clearly
                         unprofessional that I definitely
                         don't even want to work here.  Good
                         bye.

               He leaves, slamming the door behind him.

               Mr. Turplee sighs.

               CLOSE ON Mr. Turplee as he neatens some of the papers on his
               desk.

               Then PAN to reveal that THREE NINJAS have appeared behind Mr.
               Turplee.  (Clearly, none of them are John.)

               Mr. Turplee freezes.  He doesn't see the ninjas, but he's
               aware that something's up.

               Just as he starts to turn around --

                                                              BLACKOUT.




(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

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