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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (6/25/10) 1:02pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Sketch War.

Sketchwar started out as an online weekly sketch-writing group.  Every week, participants would write comedy sketches about that week's topic; at the end of the week, we'd read each other's sketches, comment, and perhaps bicker about who wrote the best sketch that week. 

These days, though, I'm the only one holding down the fort, thinking up topics and writing up sketches.  If you're curious about participating, drop me a line.  This page has my list of upcoming topics (next week's topic is "seduction").

This week's Sketch War topic was "birthdays".

               Sketchwar
               Birthdays Edition
               "Party Hat"

               FADE IN:  



               EXT. WAREHOUSE DOOR - DAY

               ROD (a cop out of an 80s action movie) runs up to the open
               front door of a warehouse, gun drawn, intense.

               He radios in.

                                   ROD
                         I'm at the warehouse.

                                   RADIO (V.O.)
                         Goddammit, Sergeant, wait for
                         backup!

                                   ROD
                         There's no time!  As soon as Jake
                         gets here, we're going in alone.

                                   JAKE (O.S.)
                         Already here, partner.  How are we
                         doing this?

                                   ROD
                         We're going straight through the
                         front do--

               Rod turns to see --

               JAKE, another cop, though a bit less fit and fashionable.

               Jake wears a shiny, colorful PARTY HAT.

               Rod stops short.

                                   JAKE
                         It's my birthday.

                                   ROD
                         What?

                                   JAKE
                         Ergo, I get to wear my special
                         party hat.

               Jake enters the warehouse, gun drawn.

               Rod follows.



               INT. WAREHOUSE HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

               Rod and Jake advance down a hall towards a doorway.

                                   JAKE
                         Did you even remember it's my
                         birthday?

                                   ROD
                         Okay, I'll go across the main
                         floor.  You cover me.

                                   JAKE
                         No, I get to make the approach --

                                   ROD
                         Jake --

                                   JAKE
                         Look, when it's your special day,
                         you can do what you want.  Nobody's
                         even sung me "Happy Birthday"
                         today!

                                   ROD
                             (singing)
                         Happy birth-

                                   JAKE
                         Oh, it's not the same when you're
                         forced to, Rod.

               Jake darts out through the doorway.

               Rod scampers into place and covers him.



               INT. WAREHOUSE DOORWAY - LATER

               Jake approaches a doorway.

               We can hear a voice inside --

                                   CRIME BOSS (O.S.)
                         And the mayor has only five minutes
                         to deliver the ransom.  After that?
                         You all die!

               He continues to AD LIB in the background as Rod catches up.

               They converse quietly.

                                   JAKE
                         I'm serious.  No singing.  No
                         party.

                                   ROD
                         Jake --

                                   JAKE
                         No presents.

                                   ROD
                         Okay, I'll get you something.

                                   JAKE
                         Would have killed you to knit me a
                         glock cozy?

                                   ROD
                         Let's just bust in there and catch
                         the bad guys.

                                   JAKE
                         Oh.  Oh, wait.  I get it.
                             (stage whisper)
                         It's a surprise party, isn't it?

                                   ROD
                         What?

                                   JAKE
                         Okay, criminals!  Here I come!

                                   CRIME BOSS (O.S.)
                         What the --

               Jake kicks down the door, revealing --



               INT. HOSTAGE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

               A bunch of LOWLIFES, including the CRIME BOSS, stand guard
               over a few bound and gagged HOSTAGES.

               Jake and Rod burst in, guns drawn.

                                   ROD
                         EVERYBODY FREEZE!

                                   JAKE
                         Aw.

               One LOWLIFE WITH A PARTY HAT pokes his head up.

                                   LOWLIFE WITH A PARTY HAT
                         I can go, right?

                                   ROD
                         What?

               Jake nods.

               The lowlife with a party hat exits through a side door.

               The crime boss grudgingly starts singing "Happy Birthday."

                                                              FADE OUT.



               OVER BLACK

               The singing continues.

               The other lowlifes grudgingly start singing along.

                                   JAKE (V. O.)
                         Aw, thanks, guys!  Let's go to
                         jail!



(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

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