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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (7/9/10) 12:44pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Sketch War.

[Missed a week, owing to continuing laziness.]

Sketchwar started out as an online weekly sketch-writing group.  Every week, participants would write comedy sketches about that week's topic; at the end of the week, we'd read each other's sketches, comment, and perhaps bicker about who wrote the best sketch that week. 

These days, though, I'm the only one holding down the fort, thinking up topics and writing up sketches.  If you're curious about participating, drop me a line.  This page has my list of upcoming topics (next week's topic is "Heat Wave").

This week's Sketch War topic was "Seduction".

               Sketchwar
               Seduction Edition
               "Unexpected Downtime"

               FADE IN:  



               OPENING TITLE

               A gauzy camera pans across blinking network equipment as
               soft, ROMANTIC MUSIC plays.

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         We now return to Harlequin IT
                         Theatre's presentation: 
                         "Unexpected Downtime".

               The title "Unexpected Downtime" appears over the footage, in
               an appropriately scrolly, romance-novel-y font.



               INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

               SHOSHANNA (20s), a bit too fancily-dressed and -coiffed for
               office work, sits at her elegant desk in her elegant office.

               Her computer shows an error message.

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         Dammit!

               REYNALDO (20s) enters in the background, barely visible.

                                   REYNALDO
                         Shoshanna, you said you've hit a
                         routing connectivity error with an
                         802.11g WiFi card.

               Shoshanna whips around to see --



               REYNALDO

               We get a better look at him now -- he's basically Fabio in an
               white short-sleeved dress shirt and Dockers.

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         Reynaldo!  How dare you set foot in
                         my office?

                                   REYNALDO
                         It's my job.  And there's no
                         network-migration problem you can
                         get into that I can't fix.

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         Oh, really?  Well, when you 'fixed'
                         Clarissa's machine, you stripped
                         her motherboard bare, paved her OS,
                         and left her with a minimal distro
                         of Ubuntu.  I... can never trust
                         you again, Reynaldo.

               Reynaldo approaches, all puppy-dog sympathy.

                                   REYNALDO
                         Please.  Shoshanna.  You don't even
                         have LAN access.

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         Oh, fine!  Just this once!

               She steps aside, and Reynaldo hunkers down over the computer.

                                   REYNALDO
                         Aha.

               He whips off his shirt.

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         What?!  Why are you removing your
                         shirt in my office!

               He turns his attention back to Shoshanna.

                                   REYNALDO
                         I can't help it, Shoshanna.  Your
                         machine, it... runs hotter than
                         normal.

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         Oh?

                                   REYNALDO
                         I may have to manipulate your heat
                         sink until things cool down.

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         But... what's wrong with it?

               Reynaldo gets closer and closer to Shoshanna.

                                   REYNALDO
                         Maybe your fans need to be oiled. 
                         Maybe there's a loose plug that
                         needs to be grabbed and firmly
                         seated.

               Now they're mere inches apart.

                                   REYNALDO
                         ... or maybe your disk hasn't been
                         defragmented in a long, long time.

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         Oh, damn you, Reynaldo!  Damn your
                         smoldering eyes and thorough
                         technical expertise!

               She kisses him, passionately.

               As they continue kissing, the camera pans away to a blinking
               network router and blurs out of focus.

                                   MR. CARLSON (O.S.)
                         WAIT ONE MINUTE!



               MR. CARLSON

               -- a mean old man in a fancy suit -- stands just outside the
               office doorway.

                                   REYNALDO
                         Mr. Carlson!

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         Daddy!

                                   MR. CARLSON
                         If it isn't Reynaldo, the bad-boy
                         IT-maintenance engineer.  This is
                         not your lucky day, son.

               Mr. Carlson brandishes a sheet of paper clearly labeled
               'corporate reassignment'.

                                   MR. CARLSON
                         I've got you reassigned... to IT
                         support at the Bangalore remote
                         office.  Effective immediately.

                                   REYNALDO
                         Mr. Carlson, of all the underhanded
                         --

                                   MR. CARLSON
                         Get your shirt and go, son.

               Reynaldo grabs his shirt and exits.

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         But, daddy!

                                   MR. CARLSON
                         It's for your own good, princess.

                                   SHOSHANNA
                         You!  You just outsourced the only
                         man I ever loved!

               Shoshanna SLAMS the door on Mr. Carlson.

               She BURSTS INTO TEARS.



               CLOSING TITLE

               Same as before -- gauzy camera, network equipment, ROMANTIC
               MUSIC.

                                   ANNOUNCER
                         Harlequin IT Theatre's presentation
                         of:  "Unexpected Downtime" will
                         return after these messages.

                                                              FADE OUT.


(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

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Mood: [mood icon] amused · Music: none
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