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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (10/29/10) 5:02pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Sketch War.

Sketchwar started out as an online weekly sketch-writing group.  Every week, participants would write comedy sketches about that week's topic; at the end of the week, we'd read each other's sketches, comment, and perhaps bicker about who wrote the best sketch that week. 

These days, though, I'm usually the only one holding down the fort, thinking up topics and writing up sketches.  (Though Patrick Knisely has been doing some lately.  w00t!)  If you're curious about participating, drop me a line.  This page has my list of upcoming topics (next week's topic is "mental illness").

This week's Sketch War topic was "unemployment".

               Sketchwar
               Unemployment Edition
               "Thompson Unvocational College"

               FADE IN:



               EXT. CITY STREET - DAY

               Slo-mo, grainy, b/w footage of urban pedestrians.

                                   NARRATOR
                         The economy is tougher than ever. 
                         To get a job, you need to get ahead
                         of the competition.  Plus, you need
                         a miracle.  Because the jobs aren't
                         there.  So why not try a different
                         approach?



               EXT. THOMPSON UNVOCATIONAL COLLEGE - DAY

               A slummy college campus, labeled "Thompson Unvocational
               College".

                                   NARRATOR
                         With Thompson Unvocational College?



               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               A TEACHER lectures in front of a large display.

               The display reads, "CHEAP FOODS", and lists "Rice" ("yes!"),
               "Beans" ("yes!"), and "Ramen" ("No!").

                                   NARRATOR
                         At Thompson Unvocational College,
                         we teach you the skills you'll need
                         for a life spent unemployed. 
                         Because face it, that's what
                         today's college grads are getting.



               INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

               A bored GREETER greets a series of CUSTOMERS.

                                   NARRATOR
                         Why waste time picking up skills
                         you'll never use in those few part
                         time gigs you might luck into?



               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               STUDENTS socialize in a classroom, while TEACHERS' ASSISTANTS
               carry clipboards and monitor them.

                                   NARRATOR
                         When you could learn the networking
                         skills you'll need to acquire free
                         food and shelter?



               INT. OFFICE - DAY

               A DOCTOR speaks one-on-one with a STUDENT.

                                   NARRATOR
                         Basic medical self-diagnosis, since
                         nobody will offer you medical
                         insurance?



               INT. CLASSROOM - DAY

               A TEACHER lectures in front of a blackboard that reads,
               "Conflict Mediation -- Basic Principles".

                                   NARRATOR
                         Or the extensive conflict
                         resolution techniques you'll need
                         to survive moving back in with your
                         parents?

               CGI FOOTAGE

               Clunky, "Money for Nothing"-like CGI shows a STUDENT sitting
               in a scummy apartment.

                                   NARRATOR
                         And our state-of-the-art technology
                         will prepare you --



               INT. VIRTUAL-REALITY CHAMBER - DAY

               A STUDENT sits in a plain chair in the exact same pose.

               He wears a clunky pair of VR goggles, hooked up to a large
               machine labeled "The Sitting Around the House All Day
               Simulator 3000X".

                                   NARRATOR
                         -- for all the scenarios that
                         you'll face as a member of the
                         fastest-growing occupation in
                         America:  unemployment!



               EXT. PARK - DAY

               A STUDENT reads a copy of Hamlet in an idyllic park.

                                   NARRATOR
                         And of course, we offer a full
                         program in the liberal arts, so
                         that you can stay amused for a
                         lifetime with nothing more than a
                         library card and a bus pass!



               EXT. THOMPSON UNVOCATIONAL COLLEGE - DAY

               The same slummy college campus.

               This time, the superimposed text reads:

                                   NARRATOR
                         Thompson Unvocational College: 
                         preparing you for tomorrow's
                         unemployment... today!

                                                              FADE OUT.




(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

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Mood: [mood icon] amused · Music: none
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Comments:

[User Picture]
From:innocentsmith
Date:Friday (10/29/10) 6:28pm
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Ha! Ahaha...

...oh god. *sobs*
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[User Picture]
From:hujhax
Date:Monday (11/1/10) 9:38am
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*hug*

Yeah, I felt like a bit of an insensitive jerk while I was writing that, but I couldn't think of another sketch idea. :-/
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