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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (1/6/12) 2:19pm - ... wherein Peter has a go at Sketchwar again.

Some time ago, I participated in something called "Sketchwar". Every Saturday, we'd pick a topic. Then we'd all write a sketch that had to do with that topic, and post it the following Friday. The next day, we'd have a new topic to work on, and so on.

I figured, now that I have time for such things, I'd start doing this again. I set myself the topic of "Starting Over", and wrote a sketch from that. If anybody feels like playing along, I'm going with the topic The Twilight Zone for next week (it's been on my mind lately, what with the show and all).


          FADE IN:
		  
          EXT. BEACH - DAY

          CHRISTOPHER (30) plays fetch with his dog on a sunny,
          idyllic beach.

          A "KBXY NEWS" logo sits in the lower-right corner of the
          screen (as it does throughout).

                              NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
                    Meet Christopher Bailey, a man
                    who's quit the rat race in
                    Manhattan for a shack by the beach
                    in Kawileah.  He's given up on a
                    high-roller salary to pursue his
                    dream...

          INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN

          "TroothBombzBlowinUp" types in a youtube comment:  "are you
          a fuken nazi in naziland".

                              NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
                    ... being a dick to people on
                    youtube.

          INT. SHACK - DAY

          Christopher types at his laptop in a little shack that looks
          out on the ocean.  Happy.  Almost beatific.  A man at peace.

                              CHRISTOPHER
                    "Are you a fucking Nazi in
                    Nazi-land?"
                         (contented sigh)
                    Yeah.  Sending that.

          He clicks the mouse.

          INT. TV STUDIO - DAY

          DEBORAH (30), cheery and attractive, faces on offscreen
          reporter.  A chyron appears:  "Deborah Mendell: 
          Girlfriend".

                              DEBORAH
                    Chris is amazing.  He's just the
                    happiest guy I know.

          INT. TV STUDIO - DAY

          GARTH (40), a good-natured hippie, faces an offscreen
          reporter.  A chyron appears:  "Garth Wilson:  Friend, Life
          Coach".

                              GARTH
                    No matter who you are, there's
                    nothing more important than
                    following your bliss.  And I think
                    Chris is a guy who understands
                    that.

          INT. TV STUDIO - DAY

          Back to Deborah.

                              DEBORAH
                    It's like he's got this mission, to
                    piss off every person who uses
                    youtube.

          EXT. BEACH - DAY

          Christopher throws a piece of driftwood for his dog to
          fetch.

                              DEBORAH (V.O.)
                    I tell him that's impossible, but
                    you know what?  That only makes him
                    more determined.

                              CHRISTOPHER
                    This guy posted a video about how
                    to handle the latest changes in
                    Massachusetts estate law.  I think
                    I'm gonna tell him I hope he gets
                    colon cancer.

          INT. OFFICE - DAY

          BOB and ANNA (20s) -- intense, grad-student types -- face an
          off-screen reporter.  Chyron:  Bob Devotchnik and Anna
          Hare:  Youtube Commenters".

          Behind them is a whiteboard.  At the top:  "Fuken or fukn --
          which is more offensive?"  Below that is a list of bullet
          points addressing the question.

                              BOB
                    It's a common misconception that
                    these comments come from angry
                    teenagers.  Really, it's a labor of
                    love from maybe a hundred people.

                              ANNA
                    Yeah, I mean:  imagine the dumbest
                    person you know.  Now think about
                    the average youtube comment -- it's
                    even dumber, right?

                              BOB
                    It's no accident.

                              ANNA
                    It's hard work from dedicated
                    craftsmen like Chris.

          INT. SHACK - DAY

          Chris sits at his computer, showing off youtube profiles.

                              CHRISTOPHER
                    This one is actually an automated
                    system I set up.

          INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN

          The screen shows a profile for "XtremeBlackIdPeezFan".

                              CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
                    It goes to music videos and puts in
                    recommendations for the Black Eyed
                    Peas.

          INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN

          A youtube comment from "XtremeBlackIdPeezFan":  "fuck this
          shit wwhh you not listen to my humps my humps roooolz shti"

                              CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
                    I've set up lots of personas.

          INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN

          The screen shows a youtube profile for
          "UnrepentantBlackguard".  Its profile photo is an old-timey
          boxing poster.

                              CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
                    Reginald Thornbottom is a
                    19th-century Wessex mill worker.

          INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN

          A youtube comment from "UnrepentantBlackguard":  "were i
          within striking distance of you, sir, i would heartily give
          you what-for!"

          A reply comment:  "what"

                              CHRISTOPHER (V.O.)
                    Even if you have no idea what he's
                    saying, you still know you got
                    burned.

          INT. SHACK - DAY

          Same as before.

                              CHRISTOPHER
                    And that's what it's all about.

          INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN

          A youtube profile for "Yarr!"  A pirate.

                              CHRISTOPHE""R (V.O.)
                    I've tried a pirate, but nobody
                    takes him seriously.

          INT. TV STUDIO - DAY

          GREG (50s, fat, bald) addresses the offscreen interviewer. 
          Chyron: "Greg Rollins: former boss".

                              GREG
                    Don't get me wrong, Chris was a
                    superior hedge-fund manager.  But
                    he was clearly under stress, and he
                    never seemed to relate to the rest
                    of the management team.

          INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN

          A youtube video shows Maru the cat trying to fit himself
          into a box.

                              GREG (V.O.)
                    Except for that one time we talked
                    about cat videos.

          INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN

          A comment on the video from "InfoWarsFckyeah" reads, "Your
          cat is stupid."

                              BOB (V.O.)
                    Clearly, something was wrong with
                    Chris.

          INT. OFFICE - DAY

          Back to Bob and Anna and the whiteboard.

                              BOB
                    The stress was getting to him, the
                    lifestyle, something.

                              ANNA
                    We started seeing comments like
                    this one --

          INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN

          Another comment from "InfoWarsFckyeah":  "u retardc i thers
          just 1 word 4 u annits"

                              ANNA
                    "You retard C, I there's just one
                    word for you an' it's..."

          INT. OFFICE - DAY

          Back to Bob and Anna.

                              ANNA
                    It's what, Chris?  What is it?

                              BOB
                    The Chris we knew would have never
                    done such shoddy work.

                              NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
                    What did you do for him?

                              BOB
                    We talked about an intervention,
                    but Anna mentioned one of the great
                    bitchfukkpanties comments.

          INSERT - COMPUTER SCREEN

          A comment from "bitchfukkpanties" reads, "you stupid getyer
          ass righ fur fuks sak fag".

                              ANNA
                    "You stupid get yer ass righ fur
                    fuks sak fag."

          INT. OFFICE - DAY

                              BOB
                    We're pretty sure it means, "There
                    are some things a man has to sort
                    out on his own."

          EXT. BEACH - DAY

          Christopher types away on his laptop, his dog sitting beside
          him.  A passing TOURIST holds a smartphone, glaring at it.

                              TOURIST
                    Goddamn Black Eyed Peas fan....

                              CHRISTOPHER
                    That right there?  That's what
                    makes it all worthwhile.

          EXT. BEACH PICNIC - DAY

          Christopher, Anna, and Bob have a little picnic on the
          beach.  They pore over a chart with two columns of offensive
          words.  There's a line drawn between "fag" in the left
          column and "nazi" in the right.

                              NEWSCASTER (V.O.)
                    So, want to know what really
                    matters in life?  Just ask
                    Christopher Bailey.  Address:  the
                    beach, Hawaii, USA.

                              CHRISTOPHER
                    "Fagnazi".  I like the sound of
                    that.

                                                        FADE OUT.




Fairly silly, a little over-long, and probably too derivative of Kittywood Studios, but hey, I wroted somethin'!

Tags:
Mood: [mood icon] peaceful · Music: none
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Comments:

[User Picture]
From:gregstoll
Date:Friday (1/6/12) 3:33pm
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Hah! I enjoyed.
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[User Picture]
From:hujhax
Date:Thursday (1/12/12) 9:59pm
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Thanks!
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