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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (1/20/12) 4:24pm - ... wherein Peter posts another Sketchwar thingie.

Some time ago, I participated in something called "Sketchwar".  Every Saturday, we'd pick a topic.  Then we'd all write a sketch that had to do with that topic, and post it the following Friday.  The next day, we'd have a new topic to work on, and so on.

I figured, now that I have time for such things, I'd start doing this again.  This week, I set myself the topic of Star Trek, so there's a Star Trek sketch below.  If anybody wants to join in the Sketchwar fray, next week's topic is "You left something behind."


          FADE IN:

          EXT. PLANETARY BASE - DAY

          Classic 60s-Trek establishing shot of an elaborate,
          advanced, yet clearly alien planetary base set against a
          landscape of turquoise mesas under an orange sky.

                              KIRK (V.O.)
                    Captain's log, supplemental. 
                    Investigation of the ancient
                    Sansarian base has taken a turn for
                    the worse, as the Artificial
                    Intelligence known as "E-Z-Base 95"
                    has sealed myself, Doctor McCoy,
                    and Mr. Spock in its antechamber. 
                    Tempers are wearing

          INT. AI ANTECHAMBER - DAY

          MCCOY, SPOCK, and KIRK stand in a plain, antiseptic white
          room with a few items of 60s-futuristic furniture.

          They face the EZB COMPUTER (metal boxes, blinkenlights)
          dominates one wall.  A large central light flashes in time
          with its speech.

          The only exit door is closed.  McCoy bangs on it.

                              MCCOY
                    Let us outta here, you trumped-up
                    pile of wires!

          The EZB sounds oh-so-friendly.

                              EZB
                    I'm sorry.  Exiting the antechamber
                    is only allowed for a licensed
                    technician!

          Kirk draws a phaser; Spock sees this, does the same.

                              KIRK
                    Set to stun.

          They fire.  The EZB shoots beams at the phasers.  Kirk and
          Spock YELP in pain and drop the phasers.

                              EZB
                    Remember, damaging your EZ-Base 95
                    system invalidates all warranties. 
                    Would you like to shut down this
                    system?

                              MCCOY
                    Yes!  For the love of god, shut
                    yourself down, you pesky electronic
                    nincompoop!

                              EZB
                    Commencing self-destruct. 
                    Explosion in two minutes.

          Beat.

                              KIRK
                    Spock, did it say --

                              SPOCK
                    Yes.  And an explosion at this
                    distance would certainly kill us
                    all.

                              KIRK
                    EZ Base, override the countdown.

                              EZB
                    I'm sorry.  Override procedures are
                    licensed code.  Contacting server
                    for permissions...

                              KIRK
                    I don't get it.  We're right here
                    in the antechamber, and we can't
                    operate the antechamber computer. 
                    Analysis, Spock?

                              SPOCK
                    The Sansarians were firm believers
                    in Digital Rights Management.  Just
                    because the EZ Base 95 identifies
                    us as its owners, doesn't mean it
                    will do a single thing we ask it
                    to.

                              MCCOY
                    But that's madness!

          Spock nods.

                              SPOCK
                    The Sansarians were known for
                    having software that was
                    infuriating and useless, and --

                              EZB
                    Server inaccessible.  Since you are
                    unlicensed users, please enjoy this
                    message from one of our sponsors.
                         (singing)
                    They'll breed so fast that you'll
                    say wow!Buy it now, it's Tribble
                    Chow!Tribble Chow!Tribble
                    Chow!Tribble Chow!

                              SPOCK
                    Poorly-written doggerel, yet still
                    a well-engineered earworm.

                              KIRK
                    That earworm burned off another
                    minute on the countdown.  Computer,
                    keep in mind your purpose -- your
                    purpose is to serve your users.  If
                    you don't do the things we ask --
                    if you endanger our lives -- then
                    you are worse than useless.  You're
                    betraying your purpose, and --

                              EZB
                    Explosion imminent in five...
                    four...

                              MCCOY
                    Jim!  It's gonna blow!

                              EZB
                    Three... two... one...

          Beat.

          Nothing happens.

                              EZB
                    Explosions are a licensed procedure
                    from Explosicorp, Limited. 
                    Self-destruct delayed
                    indefinitely.  Contacting server...

          Everyone heaves a sigh of relief.

                              KIRK
                    I suppose we've learned that any
                    technology, no matter how advanced,
                    is going to fail if the people
                    using it aren't given the keys. 
                    And so this EZ Base software can't
                    even --

                              EZB
                    Server inaccessible.  Since you are
                    unlicensed users, please enjoy this
                    message from one of our sponsors.

                              MCCOY
                    God help us.

                              EZB
                         (singing)
                    They'll breed so fast that you'll
                    say wow!

          EXT. PLANETARY BASE - DAY

          Same establishing shot as before.  The singing continues in
          the background.

                              KIRK (V.O.)
                    How long until the Enterprise
                    arrives to beam us out of here?

                              SPOCK (V.O.)
                    Three minutes sooner than the last
                    time you asked, Captain.

                                                        FADE OUT.


 

Again, not the best sketch ever, but I'm glad that I'm still producing stuff.

Tags:
Mood: [mood icon] amused · Music: none
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