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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (2/3/12) 5:30pm - ... wherein Peter posts yet another Sketchwar thingie.

Some time ago, I participated in something called "Sketchwar".  Every Saturday, we'd pick a topic.  Then we'd all write a sketch that had to do with that topic, and post it the following Friday.  The next day, we'd have a new topic to work on, and so on.

I figured, now that I have time for such things, I'd start doing this again.  This week, I set myself the topic of "Naked!"  If anybody wants to join in the Sketchwar fray (looks like Andrew Pish is participating -- yay!), next week's topic is "conspiracy".

(Nicole had suggested "conspiracy theories", and I was surprised to discover we'd never done that topic.  So I figured I'd use it, and broaden it a bit.)


          FADE IN:  
                  
          INT. OFFICE DOOR - DAY

          A sign on a door reads, "Stan Wellnitz, TSA Administrator."

                              CONNOR (V.O.)
                    I just can't do it, boss.

          INT. OFFICE - DAY

          WELLNITZ (50s) sits at his desk in a shabby little office.

          CONNOR (20s, haunted) sits across from him.

                              WELLNITZ
                    Connor, this is silly.  You're the
                    best backscatter analyst this
                    airport has.

                              CONNOR
                    Too much nakedness.  Too much.

                              WELLNITZ
                    Yes, when somebody steps into the
                    airport scanning machine, you're
                    the guy that sees them more-or-less
                    naked.  So?  You're a big boy,
                    Connor.  It's fine.

                              CONNOR
                    Maybe if I lived in France, or I
                    dunno, Sweden, it would be fine. 
                    But we're in America.

          Off of Wellnitz's puzzled look --

                              CONNOR
                    There are three million
                    morbidly-obese people in this
                    country, boss.
                         (haunted whisper)
                    I think I've seen all of them.

                              WELLNITZ
                    Your problem is... the nudity?

                              CONNOR
                         (to himself)
                    So many skin diseases.

                              WELLNITZ
                    Well, just suck it up for eight
                    hours a day, and --

                              CONNOR
                    This has ruined nudity for me,
                    forever.  I see naked people
                    everywhere.

          Wellnitz gets up from his desk.

                              WELLNITZ
                    What, so you can tell what I'm
                    carrying now?

                              CONNOR
                    Keys, wallet, and fifty-seven cents
                    in loose change.

          This stuns Wellnitz for a moment, then --

                              WELLNITZ
                    You're seeing *me* naked?

          Connor stares somewhere far away.

                              CONNOR
                    Right now, I'm seeing a naked,
                    four-hundred pound man with a
                    colostomy bag and a raging
                    erection.

                              WELLNITZ
                    But I'm not four hundred pounds --

                              CONNOR
                    I saw that image three months ago.
                         (haunted whisper)
                    It never leaves.

                              WELLNITZ
                    Connor, we started using software
                    to distort the passengers' faces
                    and... intimate areas.  So I think
                    --

                              CONNOR
                         (shudders)
                    I know.  They're distorted freaks! 
                    They're showing up in my
                    nightmares.

                              WELLNITZ
                    Alright, fine, Connor.

                              CONNOR
                    It's like David Cronenberg is
                    directing my dreams.

          Offscreen, the door opens.

                              RIKU
                    Hi guys!

          Connor turns to see --

                  
          A HORRIBLE VISION
                  
          A short, squat man, but black and white, naked, folds of fat
          everywhere, patchy skin, the face stretched out into a
          horrid rictus, the crotch eerily smoothed out.
                  
                  
          BACK ON CONNOR

          Connor yelps, cowers in his seat, rubs his eyes, and now we
          cut back to a...
                  
                  
          NORMAL SHOT OF THE OFFICE

          We see that it's RIKU (20s), the same short, squat guy, but
          fully clothed.

          He's still incredibly creepy, but he no longer looks like
          something out of Ringu.

                              RIKU
                    What?

                              WELLNITZ
                    Riku here can take on your
                    responsibilities, Connor.

                              RIKU
                    Sweet!

          Riku gets uncomfortably close to Connor's ear.

                              RIKU
                         (whispers)
                    I want to see the naked people.

                              WELLNITZ
                    That's good for you, right, Connor?

                              CONNOR
                    Yes.  But --

          Riku interrupts with a creepy noise.

                              CONNOR
                    -- but maybe not the best for
                    passengers.  Y'know what?  I'll...
                    I'll stick this out a while longer.

                              WELLNITZ
                    Really?

                              CONNOR
                    Yeah, you don't need to transfer
                    Riku.

          Connor exits the office like a man walking up to the
          gallows.

          Beat.

                              RIKU
                    You wouldn't really put me on
                    backscatter duty, would you?

                              WELLNITZ
                    Hell no.  You're just here to scare
                    Connor back into line.

          INT. OFFICE DOOR - DAY

          Same as before.

                              RIKU (V.O.)
                    Whew.  Thank god.  I'm creepy, but
                    even I've got limits.

                                                        FADE OUT.

 

I actually kind of like this one.  Get in, tell a few jokes, get out.

Tags:
Mood: [mood icon] amused · Music: none
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