This week's Sketch War theme is "Pirates!"
(This was fun. :) )
Sketch War Pirates Edition "The Great Ship in the Sky" FADE IN: EXT. FEATURELESS CLEARING - DAY GEORGE (40s, neatly conservative) emerges from the white mist surrounding a featureless white clearing. He sees a PIRATE with a hook and a scroll waiting for him. The faint sounds of a SHIP can be heard nearby. GEORGE What -- I -- there were screeching tires, and then -- PIRATE Avast! Welcome to the Port'o'Judgment, weary traveler. GEORGE Porta-wha? PIRATE What ye may call the "Pearrrly Gates". GEORGE Gates? But I didn't -- I'm not -- The pirate patiently unfurls his scroll. PIRATE Scuttled. Sunk to the depth'o'Davy Jones. Dead as a bungcork. He reads from the scroll: PIRATE "How much seafarin' have ye done? (A) born on the waves and there I stayed; (B) sometimes tasted the glory of a seabound voyage; (C) landlubber." GEORGE Um -- C -- The pirate winces. PIRATE C, ach. "Complete the following shanty: (singing) Oh, a pirate ship is a very fine ship, and she rides the finest waves --" GEORGE Why are you asking pirate questions? PIRATE 'tis the way of things. You've ended your life, and now your soul is to be judged. GEORGE I've lived a good life. I've lived according to the teachings of Jesus Christ. PIRATE "Christ?" He thinks a moment. PIRATE Ah, you mean "Bearded Josh, the Scourge of the Levantine Seas!" GEORGE Jesus Christ was a pirate? PIRATE Why do the books *always* leave that bit out? "The Book of Numbers," "The Book of Revelations," never "The Book of Salty Tales of Pirate Jesus!" GEORGE Christ was a pirate? PIRATE For his whole adult life! You think he just disappeared for twenty years? GEORGE Wait, I'm being judged on being a pirate? PIRATE Them that go to the Great Ship in the Sky are the ones who truly lived in the first place. And the livin' that's not on a pirate ship, 'tis no livin' at all. Arr! Unseen pirates in the distance answer back: DISTANT PIRATES Arr! GEORGE (lamely) Um. Arr. PIRATE Stop. GEORGE Matey? PIRATE Just stop. GEORGE But this makes no sense! Pirates are thieves! They're evil! PIRATE Evil?! Pirates fought off the Great Zombie Plague of 1983! GEORGE What plague? PIRATE Exactly! And then there was Captain Blackhammer's space corsair that averted asteroid U291 and saved all mankind! GEORGE That has to be made up. PIRATE I should cut out your traitor tongue that speaks so of the Armed Peril of the Mare Tranquilis! I -- The pirate notices something offscreen. PIRATE Parrot ho! A parrot carrying a slip of paper flies in and lands on the pirate's shoulder. The pirate takes the paper and reads it. PIRATE Well, grapple the gunwales and call me a octopus! GEORGE Grapple your what? PIRATE You're being resuscitated! GEORGE Resuscita--? PIRATE Called back from the plank, and ye live to pillage another day! GEORGE I -- I'm alive! PIRATE And it's a chance to mend your landlubbin' ways! GEORGE To become a pirate? PIRATE It also says you're losin' a hand. So -- He gestures significantly at his hook. PIRATE Just sayin': think it over. An unseen force begins dragging George back into the mist. PIRATE May a fair wind blow at yer back, and a keen edge grace yer cutlass! GEORGE I don't even know what that means! George disappears into the mist. PIRATE Arr. He be doomed. Meanwhile, distant pirates begin singing: DISTANT PIRATES (O.S.) Oh, a pirate ship is a very fine ship, and she rides the finest waves! The pirate brightens up, and sings along as he exits into the mist: PIRATE And she lays her anchor on a distant shore by the golden moonlit caves! FADE TO BLACK.
Mood: arr! · Music: none