This week's Sketch War theme is "Vampires".
Sketch War Vampires Edition "Vampers" FADE IN: INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY Typical rinky-dinky radio-station studio. JACK (50s, levelheaded) sits at a mic with a board of buttons close by. VINCE (30s, twitchy) sits at another mic. A PRODUCER sits behind a glass window. JACK Welcome back to Big Sky Forum, back with Vincent DuBois to talk about Barack Obama's citizenship. VINCE His lack of citizenship, Jack. JACK Got it. So the president's in Montana this week. If you could talk to him, what would you say? VINCE I'd ask him some simple, reasonable questions. Look, lots of folks say us "birthers" are crazy conspiracy nuts, but our concerns make sense. We just want proof that the American president is American. JACK And if there is no birth certificate, then-- VINCE -- then he can't be the President, by article two of the Constitution. But that's not the important thing. JACK What's the important thing? VINCE We think he faked that certificate because he was born in Kenya -- JACK Uh-huh. VINCE -- over three hundred years ago. JACK Maybe I didn't hear that right -- VINCE He's a vampire, Jack. Jack laughs. Uncomfortable pause. VINCE Laugh all you want. I'm serious. You've seen the hold he has on audiences -- it's hypnotic! And the references to hundred-year-old history nobody knows about? That's vampire behavior. JACK Vampires aren't real. VINCE Yes they are, Jack, because Barack is one of them. JACK But Obama eats normal food -- VINCE Vampires can ingest limited amounts. JACK He has kids -- VINCE Fake kids. JACK There are hundreds of pictures that show Barack Obama aging over the course of his life -- VINCE And that should tell you how big of a conspiracy we're up against, Jack. JACK Okay, what evidence would it take to convince you Obama doesn't live off of human blood? VINCE Jack, these silly mind games aren't going to do you much good once you're trapped in a government health care blood farm, while the vamps lure your daughters into the ranks of the undead. JACK But -- okay, okay. We've all seen Obama out in the daylight, all the time. VINCE Yes, and if you look at the footage, you can see clear signs of sparkling. JACK Sparkling? Wait, you can't mean-- A button starts blinking on the board. The producer starts gesturing wildly. VINCE It's clearly established in Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series that vampires can go out in daylight, but then they sparkle in the sun. JACK I'm gonna have to cut in here -- Jack presses the button. JACK Hello, caller, you're on Big Sky Forum. BARACK (V.O.) Hi, this is Barack Obama. Vincent makes a cross with his fingers. VINCE Demon! BARACK (V.O.) Mr. Dubois, accusing me of vampirism is one thing. But saying I'm a Twilight vampire? Sir, that crosses a line of basic human decency. VINCE Oh, so you're denying it? BARACK (V.O.) They aren't even real vampires. They're like mopey kids that would hang out at Hot Topic. And vampire baseball? Don't get me started. VINCE I'm just citing the evidence. BARACK (V.O.) Look, if I were a vampire, I'd be a classy, Bram Stoker vampire. Or maybe one of the Sunnyvale vampires from Buffy. Or, heck, I'd be an Anne Rice metrosexual Louisiana vampire before deigning to join the Cullens in their march through literary mediocrity. JACK Sorry to cut you off, Mister President, but we've got to go to commercial for a second. We'll be back after the break with Xavier San Pedro, who believes that Obama is secretly an alien robot. Care to stay on the line, Mr. President? BARACK (V.O.) Oh, hell yes. That sounds cool. FADE OUT.
Mood: amused · Music: none