This past Saturday, I was part of a sketch-comedy group that wrote and produced a half-hour sketch show at Coldtowne Theater, as part of their 24-hour Sketch Brawl.
On Friday night, they gave us four writing prompts (basically to ensure that we weren't using pre-written mateial):
Satirical Topic: activism
Prop: mac & cheese
Quote: "The angels come to visit us and we only know them when they are gone."
Then at 11:30pm-ish, we put on our show. I've posted the script below. We got the show on video, so maybe that will wind up online eventually, too.
 ... more like twenty minutes, it turned out.
===================== GOD'S DECREE [TECH: BEGIN WITH LIGHTS DOWN.] NARRATOR We bring you, dear audience, to the fields of heaven, where the angels mill about, with little notion that this is no ordinary day. [TECH: LIGHTS UP.] Angels mill about. Jeff sits off to the side. God (Paul) never appears; speaks as voiceover. GOD Angels? Angels? CEEJ Jeff. Hey Jeff! Jeff looks up. GOD I need to send you on a mission. Angels respond happily. PETER Do we get to adjust Planck's Constant? JEFF Can we color some nebulas? Ceej crosses his fingers. CEEJ Meteor shower. Meteor shower. Meteor shower. ASHLEY Space kittens! GOD You're going down to Earth. Everyone moans. GOD To convince the humans -- Everyone moans louder. GOD That they've got to make peace on Earth. Everyone moans louder. GOD And goodwill to men. PETER (sotto voce) Motherfuckers. GOD SO I HAVE SPOKEN. Long pause. ASHLEY They kill kittens down there. Everyone ad libs complaints for a while. GOD Oh yeah, two other things. Everyone moans. GOD First: this really should be no big whoop. Everyone mutters complaints. GOD So... secondly, this doesn't work, I'm really gonna have to move forward with... the Apocalypse this time. ASHLEY Yay! CEEJ No. Bad thing. GOD SO I HAVE SPOKEN. PERIOD. CEEJ We'd better make an effort this time. Don't want an Apocalypse. ASHLEY Apocalypse! Like a party with fire dancing! CEEJ It's people on fire. They're not dancing -- ASHLEY C'mon guys. What could possibly go wrong? ===================== FOX NEWS FEAR ROOM CEEJ "The angels come to visit us and we only know them when they are gone." George Eliot was French when she wrote that. And the French are Socialists. And that's Communism my friends. So are we to look to Godless Communism for wisdom on the better angels of our nature. (turns) Abraham Lincoln said that. (beat) Joining us today on Fox News Fear Room is an angel sent down from heaven to...to do what exactly? ASHLEY Well, to bring peace on earth. He's actually sending all of us down. This is god's final-- CEEJ Look, I know my bible. And the only angel ever sent down to earth by God was Satan. You all must be an army of devils. ASHLEY Now, hold on-- CEEJ Just like George Eliot, Marie Antoinette was French...and she said, "Let them eat cake." Well, sir, I am an American and I've earned my cake. ASHLEY This doesn't have anything to with nationalities-- CEEJ I don't see Jesus. I don't see God. Sounds more like God and Jesus DON'T want you around. And that scares me, my good man. ASHLEY Why does God have to be here to prove we're his angels? Look at us. We got halos and wings and-- CEEJ --And Hitler had a mustache. Ashley continues to mouth words, but her mic is cut off. CEEJ Look folks, the final word in the Fox News Fear Room is this: there are angels among us. Nobody's arguing that. But what is their true purpose? Doesn't it make sense that a God who loves us would tell us that he's sending his angels down from Heaven to help us. I don't see a burning bush. No seas have parted. This is the work of Satan my friends. And it is the duty of all us good Christian soldiers to destroy every last angel on earth. Coming up next on FOX -- the five ethnic groups that are secretly helping the angels undermine America. ===================== FUCKIN' MAC AND CHEESE Jeff sits on a bench. Peter wanders around the room. PETER So that was the whole thing -- a real-live angel, on the news. I mean it wasn't any PETERny Fox, but it was alright. Jeff makes agreeable noises. PETER I mean, I wouldn't watch it religiously -- ha! -- but it's nice to see something breaking on that network, and -- hey, we've got some extra mac and cheese. Do you want some? At the mention of "mac and cheese", Jeff's smile slowly changes to a combination of fury and disgust. Peter continues talking away about Fox news (ad lib). Peter leaves the stage, still talking (and still audible). Jeff very deliberately drums his fingers on the bench. Peter returns -- not noticing Jeff's mood -- and puts a bowl of mac and cheese in front of Jeff. Jeff almost bangs his fist on the bench, but stops himself at the last minute. Peter keeps talking, wandering around the room. PETER Oh wow -- 6pm. Got a lab to get to. Bye Jeff! Peter exits as Jeff stands up, quaking with rage. JEFF Fuckin' mac and cheese! ===================== MAC AND CHEESE COMMERCIAL [TECH: LIGHTS DOWN] [TECH: PLAY THE COMMERCIAL ON THE DVD PROVIDED.] [TECH: LIGHTS UP] ===================== BUSINESS SANDWICH Jeff gives a business presentation to various seated underlings (Peter, Ashley, Ceej, Paul). JEFF << ad libbed speech about profitability >> Ashley enters and hands Jeff a sandwich. JEFF << continues ad libbed speech >> Jeff notices the sandwich is really good. JEFF Bottom line is, we've got goals for the third quarter. Jeff looks at the sandwich. JEFF If these goals could be as good as this sandwich. Somebody taste this sandwich. UNDERLING #1 What? Jeff waves the sandwich in the face of one of his underlings. JEFF Here! Here! Taste our third quarter earnings! UNDERLING #2 I just don't get how it's a sandwich. JEFF It's simple: our earnings should be as good as this sandwich! UNDERLING #1 I'm an MBA, I didn't go to culinary school! JEFF No, I'm talking about how fucking good this sandwich is. At this point, Jeff is practically forcing the sandwich down people's throats. UNDERLING #2 Are the pimentos a metaphor for our Milwaukee office? JEFF No, Harvard, it's not a metaphor. UNDERLING #1 I actually brought a sandwich of my own for lunch; should I go and get it. JEFF What the fuck? No! UNDERLING #2 Should we sell sandwiches?! Jeff smacks the underling, hard. JEFF Jesus Christ! UNDERLING #1 I'm getting out of here! The underlings skeedaddle. Jeff sits down and devours the last of the sandwich. JEFF Mmmm! Mmmm! Mmmm! Mmmm! ===================== ACTIVISTS OR ZOMBIES? [TECH: LIGHTS DOWN] [TECH: MAKE SURE THE MICS, IF AVAILABLE, ARE ON] CEEJ For more information we go to our FOX reporter in the field, Peter Rogers. Peter, what do you see? [TECH: PLAY "PROTEST" AUDIO (ON PROVIDED CD)] PETER Mike, I'm looking at several hundred people who have gathered together here in Washington D. C. to make their pro-angels message heard. CEEJ This is an angel rally? PETER Yes, Mike. (beat) It's either that, or the first major manifestation of a zombie outbreak. Details are not 100% certain as of yet. They are either marching or lurching down Pennsylvania Avenue, and they are shouting things that could be short pithy slogans, or could just be the single word "Brains", moaned repeatedly. CEEJ So it's an angel rally, or -- PETER -- or a zombie attack. We can't be sure. I can tell you definitively that these activists are carrying protest signs. (beat) Or, they are crude battering weapons, designed to crush our skulls, exposing our tasty, delicious brains. Again, we just can't know. CEEJ That sounds terrifying -- PETER Terrifying or mildly interesting, Mike. I can tell you that as they walk or shuffle past, the air redolent of patchouli or perhaps rotting flesh, other citizens are joining their cause. Whether that cause is the defense of angels as forces for good, or the ceaseless hunger to feed on the living, is not known to me at this time. CEEJ Well, sounds -- PETER Hold on! Hold on Ceej. There's been a confrontation with police officers! CEEJ Oh my. PETER Yes, they're -- there's been some altercation at the front of the formation, and police are dispersing the crowd with rubber bullets. (beat) Or, of course, they're desperately unloading live ammunition into the oncoming horde, but foolishly failing to destroy the brain or remove the head. One of those is definitely happening. CEEJ Where are you now, Peter? PETER I am currently hiding, Mike, because I am terrified, as any sensible human being would be. CEEJ Any advice for our viewers? PETER Yes, Ceej: this is a time to consider how we can peacefully but forcefully make ourselves heard in representative government. CEEJ Wise words. That was Peter -- PETER Or, we should take this as a clear sign that we should lay hands on our most powerful firearms and take to the streets en masse. Shoot on sight, Ceej, because you can't be too careful. CEEJ Peter Rogers, in Washington D. C. And next up: activists? Who's going to volunteer to keep them from ruining America? [TECH: LIGHTS UP] ===================== HOW DO YOU KILL AN ANGEL? Peter, Ceej, Ashley, and Jeff sit in the living room. General boredom, though Peter seems a bit perturbed. CEEJ I wonder if Mac and Cheese really could survive Armageddon. Beat. ASHLEY I guess that old fallout shelter would come in handy. Beat. PETER Fuck this! We're fighting back! I want to know how to kill an angel! This energizes the room. ASHLEY Yeah! CEEJ Hell yeah! In this sketch, Jeff speaks with an Indian accent. JEFF Fuck to the yes. PETER They're inflitrating! They're coming! How are we gonna defend ourselves? CEEJ Guns! PETER Guns don't do anything. They'd just stop the bullets, like Hugo Weaving in The Matrix. JEFF And then the angel would laugh at you, and then rape your dog. ASHLEY Mr. Collie-Pants? JEFF The angel would not even care that Mr. Collie-Pants was not human. CEEJ Okay, what about a knife? PETER Nooooo... JEFF The angel would then seize your knife hand and then use it to force the knife repeatedly into your own ball-sack, while asking you, "Why do you stab yourself? Why do you stab yourself in the scrotal area?" PETER We've gotta think bigger. CEEJ Wooden stake! PETER Vampires. ASHLEY Okay, what abou-- PETER Wolfman. ASHLEY How did you even -- CEEJ Okay, we trick him into saying his own name backwards. Beat. Ashley checks something on a laptop computer. JEFF I believe that is how you banish Mr. Miks-yez-pit-lik into his home dimension in the DC Comics universe. CEEJ That doesn't mean it wouldn't work! ASHLEY Guys, I've got a web page called "To Kill an Angel." PETER Perfect! ASHLEY We have to locate an autistic child named "Skip" before trained ninja assassins can -- JEFF That is a Charlie's Angels episode. ASHLEY Dammit! Ceej sees something downstage. CEEJ Wait on the TV -- that's... Peter leaves the stage and grabs a guitar. ASHLEY It's Johnny Fox! JEFF Fox's favorite folk singer for six years running! Peter comes onstage with a guitar. ===================== SONG: HERE'S HOW YOU KILL AN ANGEL! [TECH: LIGHTING CHANGE, IF POSSIBLE] PETER How do you kill an angel? How do you make an angel die? How do you kill an angel? 'cos the time for killing angels is coming nigh. Do you drop them in a piranha pond? Or a gunshot wound straight to the head? Do you squirt some acid in their face? No none of those will leave them dead! How do you kill an angel? How do you make an angel die? How do you kill an angel? 'cos the time for killing angels is coming nigh. You burn their lungs so they can't sing You burn their wings so they can't fly You douse them up with kerosene You light a match and watch them fry When do you kill an angel? When do you make an angel die? When do you kill an angel? Don't you even bother asking why. When you see them float down from the stars. When you see them land upon the ground. When you see them walking through the grass. That's when you burn those bastards down! That's how you kill an angel. That's how you make an angel die. That's how you kill an angel. Watch all the flames, they're burning high! ===================== MASS ANGEL GENOCIDE During the song, four angels (Jeff, Ceej, Paul) enter. They wear orange and red streamers. They mime being immolated in slow motion. The song ends, and Peter continues playing chords. JEFF I just wanted to paint a nebula! CEEJ I just wanted to make a meteor shower! PAUL I just wanted a businessman to have a delicious sandwich! Immolation continues. Ashley enters. ASHLEY Hey! It's a fire-dance party! CEEJ No! We're burning! She runs offstage, grabs a boombox, comes back on stage, hits "Play." "Everybody Dance Now" plays. Ashley dances around. The other angels continue burning. [TECH: SLOW FADE DOWN ON THE LIGHTS.] END OF SHOW =====================
Mood: amused · Music: none