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Peter Rogers's Blog
Artist-in-Residence at Chez Firth

Friday (12/10/10) 1:11pm - ... wherein Peter writes a sketch for Sketch War.

Sketchwar started out as an online weekly sketch-writing group.  Every week, participants would write comedy sketches about that week's topic; at the end of the week, we'd read each other's sketches, comment, and perhaps bicker about who wrote the best sketch that week. 

These days, though, I'm usually the only one holding down the fort, thinking up topics and writing up sketches.  (Though Patrick Knisely has been doing some lately.  w00t!)  If you're curious about participating, drop me a line.  This page has my list of upcoming topics (next week's topic is still TBA).

This week's Sketch War topic was "The Bar".

               Sketchwar
               The Bar Edition
               "Tell the Man Your Troubles"

               FADE IN:



               INT. BAR - NIGHT  

               GRIGOR (30s, Slavic) works behind the counter at a
               neighborhood bar.

               JEROME (20s) sits among the OTHER PATRONS and nurses a drink.

                                   JEROME
                         Grigor, it's tough.  They ordered
                         more tests.  It costs more money. 
                         Yet none of them have a clue what
                         might be wrong with me.

                                   GRIGOR
                         I had major digestive trouble as
                         child.  I vomited nearly daily
                         until I was eighteen.  The doctors,
                         they know nothing to help.

                                   JEROME
                         That is awful.

                                   GRIGOR
                         My teeth nearly rotted out of skull
                         from the stomach acids.

                                   JEROME
                             (a bit uncomfortable)
                         Okay.

               Meanwhile, CLAUDE weaves in towards the bar.

                                   CLAUDE
                         I can't believe it!  I can't
                         fucking believe it!

                                   JEROME
                         Oh dear.

                                   CLAUDE
                         Proof!  Proof the bitch has been
                         cheating on me the whole time!

                                   JEROME
                         Sorry to hear that.

               Grigor pours Claude his usual.

                                   GRIGOR
                         I was cheated on once.  My wife was
                         with three other lovers.  I only
                         learn this when I catch venereal
                         disease that makes me temporarily
                         blind.

                                   CLAUDE
                         Dammit.  Women.

                                   GRIGOR
                         For three weeks, I bleed from the
                         eyes, and now I can never make sex
                         to people again.  And also my
                         manhood stenches like a fetid
                         corpse.

                                   JEROME
                         Um...

                                   CLAUDE
                         Well.  Uh.  I guess this shit's not
                         as bad as that, Grigor.

                                   GRIGOR
                         I wanted to cry, but lachrymal
                         glands gave the shooting pain until
                         I pass out.

                                   CLAUDE
                         Yeah, I got the idea, Grigor --

               Meanwhile, ANNA sidles up to the bar.

                                   ANNA
                         Grigor, I need to get so drunk
                         tonight.

                                   JEROME
                         Oh, they didn't --

                                   ANNA
                         Yup.  They fired me.

                                   CLAUDE
                         Those motherfucking --

                                   GRIGOR
                         I was fired once.  I work as spy in
                         my country.

                                   JEROME
                         I'm not absolutely certain this is
                         relevant, Grigor --

                                   GRIGOR
                         Without government protection, the
                         Japanese mafia discover my
                         identity, my where I live, my
                         family.  They put out hit on
                         everyone, send assassins with long
                         blades.

                                   ANNA
                         Wow, I never knew --

                                   GRIGOR
                         They capture and torture me.  I
                         only escape by doing things no man
                         should ever, ever do, and --

                                   ANNA
                         Okay, forget I said anything.

               PATRONS #4, #5, #6 wander up, talking among themselves.

                                   PATRON #4
                         Yeah, my mother keeps bothering me
                         to --

                                   GRIGOR
                         My parents are dead!

                                   PATRON #5
                         Um.  Anyway, my shrink says that --

                                   GRIGOR
                         I am tormented night and day by the
                         disembodied voices of the damned!

                                   PATRON #6
                         That's nothing -- my dog just
                         pissed all over my --

                                   GRIGOR
                         My dog was abducted by the Yakuza
                         and SENT BACK TO ME IN PIECES!

               Beat.

                                   GRIGOR
                         Every night, I hear your pissy,
                         first-world complainings!  You do
                         not know pain until you have --

               He is interrupted by a loud Japanese voice.

                                   YAKUZA (O.S.)
                         Grigor Razovich!

                                   GRIGOR
                         Dammit.  The Yakuza.

               The bar clears a path between Grigor and the YAKUZA assassin,
               who pulls out two long blades and strides towards the bar.

               Grigor pulls out a --

                                   GRIGOR
                         Bartender smoke bomb!

               -- which explodes in a cloud of smoke.

               Everyone COUGHS but suddenly, Grigor is nowhere to be seen.

                                   YAKUZA
                         Aw.

               The assassin leaps over the bar; looks around.

                                   YAKUZA
                         This always happens.  I am brining
                         shame to the Japanese mafia.  They
                         will probably fire me.

                                   CLAUDE
                         Wow.

                                   JEROME
                         That sounds like a very...
                         reasonable, normal problem.

                                   ANNA
                         Right there with ya, mister.

                                   PATRON #4
                         He should be the new bartender!

               A chat rises up.

                                   ALL
                         One of us!  One of us!

                                   YAKUZA
                         Really?  I could?

                                   JEROME
                         Just don't tell us about any
                         disgusting or horrifying problems
                         in your personal life, and we're
                         good.

               FREEZE FRAME on Jerome and the Yakuza shaking hands.

                                                              FADE OUT.


(I've cross-posted this to the Sketchwar site.)

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Mood: [mood icon] amused · Music: none
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