Sketchwar started out as an online weekly sketch-writing group. Every week, participants would write comedy sketches about that week's topic; at the end of the week, we'd read each other's sketches, comment, and perhaps bicker about who wrote the best sketch that week.
These days, though, I'm usually the only one holding down the fort, thinking up topics and writing up sketches. (Though Patrick Knisely has been doing some lately. w00t!) If you're curious about participating, drop me a line. This page has my list of upcoming topics (next week's topic is still TBA).
This week's Sketch War topic was "The Bar".
Sketchwar The Bar Edition "Tell the Man Your Troubles" FADE IN: INT. BAR - NIGHT GRIGOR (30s, Slavic) works behind the counter at a neighborhood bar. JEROME (20s) sits among the OTHER PATRONS and nurses a drink. JEROME Grigor, it's tough. They ordered more tests. It costs more money. Yet none of them have a clue what might be wrong with me. GRIGOR I had major digestive trouble as child. I vomited nearly daily until I was eighteen. The doctors, they know nothing to help. JEROME That is awful. GRIGOR My teeth nearly rotted out of skull from the stomach acids. JEROME (a bit uncomfortable) Okay. Meanwhile, CLAUDE weaves in towards the bar. CLAUDE I can't believe it! I can't fucking believe it! JEROME Oh dear. CLAUDE Proof! Proof the bitch has been cheating on me the whole time! JEROME Sorry to hear that. Grigor pours Claude his usual. GRIGOR I was cheated on once. My wife was with three other lovers. I only learn this when I catch venereal disease that makes me temporarily blind. CLAUDE Dammit. Women. GRIGOR For three weeks, I bleed from the eyes, and now I can never make sex to people again. And also my manhood stenches like a fetid corpse. JEROME Um... CLAUDE Well. Uh. I guess this shit's not as bad as that, Grigor. GRIGOR I wanted to cry, but lachrymal glands gave the shooting pain until I pass out. CLAUDE Yeah, I got the idea, Grigor -- Meanwhile, ANNA sidles up to the bar. ANNA Grigor, I need to get so drunk tonight. JEROME Oh, they didn't -- ANNA Yup. They fired me. CLAUDE Those motherfucking -- GRIGOR I was fired once. I work as spy in my country. JEROME I'm not absolutely certain this is relevant, Grigor -- GRIGOR Without government protection, the Japanese mafia discover my identity, my where I live, my family. They put out hit on everyone, send assassins with long blades. ANNA Wow, I never knew -- GRIGOR They capture and torture me. I only escape by doing things no man should ever, ever do, and -- ANNA Okay, forget I said anything. PATRONS #4, #5, #6 wander up, talking among themselves. PATRON #4 Yeah, my mother keeps bothering me to -- GRIGOR My parents are dead! PATRON #5 Um. Anyway, my shrink says that -- GRIGOR I am tormented night and day by the disembodied voices of the damned! PATRON #6 That's nothing -- my dog just pissed all over my -- GRIGOR My dog was abducted by the Yakuza and SENT BACK TO ME IN PIECES! Beat. GRIGOR Every night, I hear your pissy, first-world complainings! You do not know pain until you have -- He is interrupted by a loud Japanese voice. YAKUZA (O.S.) Grigor Razovich! GRIGOR Dammit. The Yakuza. The bar clears a path between Grigor and the YAKUZA assassin, who pulls out two long blades and strides towards the bar. Grigor pulls out a -- GRIGOR Bartender smoke bomb! -- which explodes in a cloud of smoke. Everyone COUGHS but suddenly, Grigor is nowhere to be seen. YAKUZA Aw. The assassin leaps over the bar; looks around. YAKUZA This always happens. I am brining shame to the Japanese mafia. They will probably fire me. CLAUDE Wow. JEROME That sounds like a very... reasonable, normal problem. ANNA Right there with ya, mister. PATRON #4 He should be the new bartender! A chat rises up. ALL One of us! One of us! YAKUZA Really? I could? JEROME Just don't tell us about any disgusting or horrifying problems in your personal life, and we're good. FREEZE FRAME on Jerome and the Yakuza shaking hands. FADE OUT.
Mood: amused · Music: none