Some time ago, I participated in something called "Sketchwar". Every Saturday, we'd pick a topic. Then we'd all write a sketch that had to do with that topic, and post it the following Friday. The next day, we'd have a new topic to work on, and so on.
I figured, now that I have time for such things, I'd start doing this again. This week, I set myself the topic of Star Trek, so there's a Star Trek sketch below. If anybody wants to join in the Sketchwar fray, next week's topic is "You left something behind."
FADE IN: EXT. PLANETARY BASE - DAY Classic 60s-Trek establishing shot of an elaborate, advanced, yet clearly alien planetary base set against a landscape of turquoise mesas under an orange sky. KIRK (V.O.) Captain's log, supplemental. Investigation of the ancient Sansarian base has taken a turn for the worse, as the Artificial Intelligence known as "E-Z-Base 95" has sealed myself, Doctor McCoy, and Mr. Spock in its antechamber. Tempers are wearing INT. AI ANTECHAMBER - DAY MCCOY, SPOCK, and KIRK stand in a plain, antiseptic white room with a few items of 60s-futuristic furniture. They face the EZB COMPUTER (metal boxes, blinkenlights) dominates one wall. A large central light flashes in time with its speech. The only exit door is closed. McCoy bangs on it. MCCOY Let us outta here, you trumped-up pile of wires! The EZB sounds oh-so-friendly. EZB I'm sorry. Exiting the antechamber is only allowed for a licensed technician! Kirk draws a phaser; Spock sees this, does the same. KIRK Set to stun. They fire. The EZB shoots beams at the phasers. Kirk and Spock YELP in pain and drop the phasers. EZB Remember, damaging your EZ-Base 95 system invalidates all warranties. Would you like to shut down this system? MCCOY Yes! For the love of god, shut yourself down, you pesky electronic nincompoop! EZB Commencing self-destruct. Explosion in two minutes. Beat. KIRK Spock, did it say -- SPOCK Yes. And an explosion at this distance would certainly kill us all. KIRK EZ Base, override the countdown. EZB I'm sorry. Override procedures are licensed code. Contacting server for permissions... KIRK I don't get it. We're right here in the antechamber, and we can't operate the antechamber computer. Analysis, Spock? SPOCK The Sansarians were firm believers in Digital Rights Management. Just because the EZ Base 95 identifies us as its owners, doesn't mean it will do a single thing we ask it to. MCCOY But that's madness! Spock nods. SPOCK The Sansarians were known for having software that was infuriating and useless, and -- EZB Server inaccessible. Since you are unlicensed users, please enjoy this message from one of our sponsors. (singing) They'll breed so fast that you'll say wow!Buy it now, it's Tribble Chow!Tribble Chow!Tribble Chow!Tribble Chow! SPOCK Poorly-written doggerel, yet still a well-engineered earworm. KIRK That earworm burned off another minute on the countdown. Computer, keep in mind your purpose -- your purpose is to serve your users. If you don't do the things we ask -- if you endanger our lives -- then you are worse than useless. You're betraying your purpose, and -- EZB Explosion imminent in five... four... MCCOY Jim! It's gonna blow! EZB Three... two... one... Beat. Nothing happens. EZB Explosions are a licensed procedure from Explosicorp, Limited. Self-destruct delayed indefinitely. Contacting server... Everyone heaves a sigh of relief. KIRK I suppose we've learned that any technology, no matter how advanced, is going to fail if the people using it aren't given the keys. And so this EZ Base software can't even -- EZB Server inaccessible. Since you are unlicensed users, please enjoy this message from one of our sponsors. MCCOY God help us. EZB (singing) They'll breed so fast that you'll say wow! EXT. PLANETARY BASE - DAY Same establishing shot as before. The singing continues in the background. KIRK (V.O.) How long until the Enterprise arrives to beam us out of here? SPOCK (V.O.) Three minutes sooner than the last time you asked, Captain. FADE OUT.
Mood: amused · Music: none